The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

Archive for the ‘Perth media shame’ Category

Think there’s something to do in Perth?

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Those happenin’ cats at PerthNow have assembled all of the evidence that Perth isn’t a boring, atavistic hellhole:

Think there’s nothing to do in Perth?

FOR all those that call Perth ‘Dullsville’, maybe you’re just not aware of all the events happening around the city.

Maybe you’re just not aware of all of the events, but PerthNow is aware of all the events! What follows is an extensive list of all them. There’s so much happening, folks! I couldn’t assemble the whole list here, because it goes on 4 EVA, but here’s a taste:

Tuesday, In One Act

Until Sat 5 Sep, The Blue Room Studio, 8.30pm

This intimate, absurdist play takes you to a world where astronauts carry briefcases and cowboys feed pigeons. A delicate flux between poetry, satire and unpretentious honesty.

A world where cowboys feed pigeons? Get right outta town!

Spring Friday Night Shopping at Harbour Town

Fri 4, 11, 18 & 25 Sep, Harbour Town, 6pm to 9pm

Shop for your spring essentials at over 100 brand direct outlets while soaking up the sounds of jazz trios, contemporary crooners and the cool sounds of the calypso cats.

Factory direct Elwood t-shirts and jazz. A match made in Huhvean.

Catholic Arts Carnevale

Wed 9 Sep, Forrest Place, 9am

See a showcase of talent from Catholic primary and secondary schools. Activities include interactive displays, music and dance performances.

BYO condoms.

When I Grow Up

Sun 6 Sep, Fashion Central, Forrest Place, 10am

Celebrate Father’s Day with your dad at Perth Fashion Central as gorgeous kids and their fashionable dads model the latest collections from Forrest Chase retailers.

Replace the word “gorgeous” with “spoilt” and the word “fashionable” with “emasculated”. Oh, and the word “model” with “whore”.

After this “event”, shit somehow gets even duller: Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by Dick

September 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Doogie Howser, F.A.I.L.

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Perth’s tabloids are your grandmother. That’s why instead of page 3 girls, we get page 3 overachievers:

Teen on track to be a doctor at 20

Doogie Howser

What do people think when they hear child prodigy doctor? Author Bethany Hiatt and her editors hit you over the head with it in the very first paragraph:

Teenage medical student Welwyn Aw-Yong is WA’s own Doogie Howser MD.

Except without the resurgence as a creepily believable pussy-hound in How I Met Your Mother.

Is it ok to make fun of this child? I dunno. Good on him for following his “dream”, I guess?

I’d like to be a rural GP or something like that – maybe

But he’s on page 3 of the newspaper. Why on Earth would you subject yourself to that embarrassing shit! Did The West hold a gun to his head and force him to make that awkward pose? Did his pushy parents demand that he put his smarts on the public record?

Actually, both of those seem like possibilities. The kid is 15, you can’t blame him. I’m not even sure how consent works when it comes to minors and publicity-whoring.

But sorry, Welwyn, this I can’t abide:

Asked why he thought he was so advanced for his age, Welwyn attributed it to “God’s grace” and his ability to set aside other distractions.

Riiiight. Remind me not to see this guy when he’s a doctor at age 20. Wouldn’t want my health complaints attributed to “Demons”.

[Insert pun here]

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The West Coast Eagles’ mascot, a live fucking animal, flew away from Subiaco Oval today. Before being captured, it took a stop at the City West dome (BTW, why isn’t that a Worst yet?) and was later attacked by crows. Coincidentally, the Adelaide Crows “murdered” the Eagles in the footy last weekend.

In other news, DAD PUNS ARE OFF THE CHART TODAY, MAKE IT STOP, GOD WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP:

Nine news went pretty hard (you’ll have to watch the vid at PerthNow, soz):

The wedgetail took off – LITERALLY

Problem was, Auzzie had flown the coop…

Sightseeing flight…

Attracting a crowd of angry crows and magpies…

This eagle finally landed…

Despite an injury scare Auzzie will line up for the eagles tomorrow night…

AdelaideNow got a gloat in:

A MURDER of crows cornered fugitive West Coast mascot Auzzie the eagle when she winged it from a club training session in Perth yesterday.

But WA Today soared above the rest:

Eagle Mascot Back After Flight of fancy

Auzzie the Eagle… Flying high around the streets of Perth today.

…flying the coop…

Perhaps he was getting tips from the bigger birds about what it takes to play finals footy after a few years in the AFL wilderness?

Maybe there was some crowing going on about West Coast’s loss last week to Adelaide?

Whatever the conversation, it was creating much crowing among the Perth media, who dropped everything to race to City West to witness the ‘event’…

“Crowing” in this context is a standard Dad pun. But “the conversation was creating crowing” throws Dad alliteration into the mix. Dadtastic.

Later in the piece, WA Today devolves into stream of consciousness verse poetry from a coked-up Monika Kos mode:

The idea to bring Auzzie’s familiar gameday perch – and oversized red Sherrin – bore fruit, and woman and bird were reunited on Zempilas Street – perhaps a good omen for namesake and Perth sports guru Basil, who takes a flight of his own on Saturday for his wedding in Greece.

O…

K…

Written by Dick

August 27, 2009 at 10:49 pm

Chicken Boner Dishwasher

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Anyone who can decipher the opening paragraph of this story on WA Today in less than 3 reads gets a gold star:

Three warnings in five minutes see boner sacked

Chris Thomson

August 26, 2009 – 6:39AM

A gun Lenard’s Chicken boner fired after receiving three warnings in five minutes has been awarded more than $11,000 in unfair dismissal compensation.

Huh?

Chris Thomson isn’t always this obtuse, but he does have his own blog at WA Today called “You’ve Got Male” which mostly seems to be anecdotes about car parking.

you've got huh

Written by Dick

August 26, 2009 at 10:15 pm

Murder on the dance floor

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dance floor murder

It was about time this happened. I’m referring to PerthNow’s tenously linked pommy bashing headline that read:

‘Stabbings injure three at English-themed pubs’

I’m not endorsing that headline. I could have done without it, we all could have. But i’m not not-endorsing the neck-stabbing at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow. How could you when the whole dance floor looks like this:

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Thats right. The Elephant & Wheelbarrow’s dance floor turns into a (English-themed) Greek bath house after 11p.m. The place is crawling with desperate middle aged men on too much viagra.

I know this because I frequent this shit-hole regularly. It cages the only women I seem to get these days.

The insinuation that those two pubs being English-themed had anything to do with the two stabbings is a load of crock. This is what Perthnow does best. Feeding off past prejudices that they’ve pumped up in their dirty loins. In this case it’s pub violence in England and rowdy English tourists, especially the barmy army. I know there’s no direct mention of it, so you’re more than welcome to disagree, but we all know whats going on here.

Putting two entirely seperate incidents together and making a shit-burger of a news story is what we’ve got on our hands here.

But hey, the Ashes is on and it’s pommy bashing season!

Who could resist that?

By the way, police are looking for a white male between the age 0f 30-65, balding & greying hair, portly build and he was wearing a beige sports jacket.

Congratulations, you’ve just described 90% of the clientele of the Elephant & Wheelbarrow.

stabbin' 2

Written by Uncle Mac

August 10, 2009 at 7:10 pm

UFOs in Perth!

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A while back I wrote about The Sunday Times’ credulous reporting on the police use of a psychic in the Rayney murder investigation. But that ain’t shit compared to this story, which appeared on PerthNow yesterday:

PerthNow reader photographs mystery lights over Perth Hills

Well did it?

No author is identified. Apparently, The Sunday Times couldn’t find a journalist with the appropriate level of self respect (none) to put their name to this story. But for mine it has Narelle Towie written all over it.

Unsurprisingly (surprisingly?) The Sunday Times itself didn’t run the story today. Reporting worthy of the Weekly World News is good enough for their interweb readers, but not good enough for print, I guess.

Weekly World News

The Weekly World News. This newspaper knows it's a joke.

Also, tipsters beware! Diplayed prominently on the perthnow.com.au front page:

UFO

By contrast, tucked away in the story:

The photographer stresses that he did not believe he had photographed a UFO, but has no explanation for the coloured lights which appeared on the digital images. [My emphasis]

Well played, PerthNow. Well played.

Written by Dick

August 9, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Heath Ledger endorses “scientific” human slaughter

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I never really understood the adulation of Heath Ledger, Dullsville’s biggest Hollywood success story.

He was pretty good in the Aussie flick Candy but he didn’t do himself any favours with roles in saccharine duds like A Knight’s Tale.

Since he’s kicked the bucket, though, like Jimi Hendrix or, more recently, J Dilla, his output has been both prolific and top notch. The latest Batman wasn’t quite Terminator 2, but Ledger was nuts scary in it.

And now we find out that before he died he also directed a Modest Mouse video clip that features the brutal slaughter of human families by grizzled cartoon whales. The analogy might be a little stoner-obvious (“dude, imagine if whales hunted us“), but check out the execution:

[Ed: The video is now down due to a copyright claim from Sony. I guess the greedy fucks don’t want their band to get free promotion. You can still see it at Rolling Stone.]

That’s how they make ginger bread men! Gross. Awesome. Success.

(Full disclosure: I also happen to love Modest Mouse so much I want to take take them behind a middle school and get them pregnant. Start with The Lonesome Crowded West).

The Perth media seem a bit torn (excuse the pun) about this video, especially given how shamelessly they covered every aspect of Ledger’s death and the ensuing public mourning process:

gruesome and graphic

But don’t ya love PerthNow?! Who in their right mind would describe a music video clip that way? “Heath’s gruesome last video” had me guessing they’d discovered video of his last moments of frantic autoerotic asphyxiation. Nope. Relax, PerthNow, it’s a cartoon.

WA Today, by contrast, continue to lose the race to the gutter by sticking with the boring “graphic”. Seems quite restrained, really:

graphic

Written by Dick

August 6, 2009 at 10:45 pm