The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

Posts Tagged ‘Perthnow

Think there’s something to do in Perth?

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Those happenin’ cats at PerthNow have assembled all of the evidence that Perth isn’t a boring, atavistic hellhole:

Think there’s nothing to do in Perth?

FOR all those that call Perth ‘Dullsville’, maybe you’re just not aware of all the events happening around the city.

Maybe you’re just not aware of all of the events, but PerthNow is aware of all the events! What follows is an extensive list of all them. There’s so much happening, folks! I couldn’t assemble the whole list here, because it goes on 4 EVA, but here’s a taste:

Tuesday, In One Act

Until Sat 5 Sep, The Blue Room Studio, 8.30pm

This intimate, absurdist play takes you to a world where astronauts carry briefcases and cowboys feed pigeons. A delicate flux between poetry, satire and unpretentious honesty.

A world where cowboys feed pigeons? Get right outta town!

Spring Friday Night Shopping at Harbour Town

Fri 4, 11, 18 & 25 Sep, Harbour Town, 6pm to 9pm

Shop for your spring essentials at over 100 brand direct outlets while soaking up the sounds of jazz trios, contemporary crooners and the cool sounds of the calypso cats.

Factory direct Elwood t-shirts and jazz. A match made in Huhvean.

Catholic Arts Carnevale

Wed 9 Sep, Forrest Place, 9am

See a showcase of talent from Catholic primary and secondary schools. Activities include interactive displays, music and dance performances.

BYO condoms.

When I Grow Up

Sun 6 Sep, Fashion Central, Forrest Place, 10am

Celebrate Father’s Day with your dad at Perth Fashion Central as gorgeous kids and their fashionable dads model the latest collections from Forrest Chase retailers.

Replace the word “gorgeous” with “spoilt” and the word “fashionable” with “emasculated”. Oh, and the word “model” with “whore”.

After this “event”, shit somehow gets even duller: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Dick

September 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm

[Insert pun here]

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The West Coast Eagles’ mascot, a live fucking animal, flew away from Subiaco Oval today. Before being captured, it took a stop at the City West dome (BTW, why isn’t that a Worst yet?) and was later attacked by crows. Coincidentally, the Adelaide Crows “murdered” the Eagles in the footy last weekend.

In other news, DAD PUNS ARE OFF THE CHART TODAY, MAKE IT STOP, GOD WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP:

Nine news went pretty hard (you’ll have to watch the vid at PerthNow, soz):

The wedgetail took off – LITERALLY

Problem was, Auzzie had flown the coop…

Sightseeing flight…

Attracting a crowd of angry crows and magpies…

This eagle finally landed…

Despite an injury scare Auzzie will line up for the eagles tomorrow night…

AdelaideNow got a gloat in:

A MURDER of crows cornered fugitive West Coast mascot Auzzie the eagle when she winged it from a club training session in Perth yesterday.

But WA Today soared above the rest:

Eagle Mascot Back After Flight of fancy

Auzzie the Eagle… Flying high around the streets of Perth today.

…flying the coop…

Perhaps he was getting tips from the bigger birds about what it takes to play finals footy after a few years in the AFL wilderness?

Maybe there was some crowing going on about West Coast’s loss last week to Adelaide?

Whatever the conversation, it was creating much crowing among the Perth media, who dropped everything to race to City West to witness the ‘event’…

“Crowing” in this context is a standard Dad pun. But “the conversation was creating crowing” throws Dad alliteration into the mix. Dadtastic.

Later in the piece, WA Today devolves into stream of consciousness verse poetry from a coked-up Monika Kos mode:

The idea to bring Auzzie’s familiar gameday perch – and oversized red Sherrin – bore fruit, and woman and bird were reunited on Zempilas Street – perhaps a good omen for namesake and Perth sports guru Basil, who takes a flight of his own on Saturday for his wedding in Greece.

O…

K…

Written by Dick

August 27, 2009 at 10:49 pm

Murder on the dance floor

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dance floor murder

It was about time this happened. I’m referring to PerthNow’s tenously linked pommy bashing headline that read:

‘Stabbings injure three at English-themed pubs’

I’m not endorsing that headline. I could have done without it, we all could have. But i’m not not-endorsing the neck-stabbing at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow. How could you when the whole dance floor looks like this:

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Thats right. The Elephant & Wheelbarrow’s dance floor turns into a (English-themed) Greek bath house after 11p.m. The place is crawling with desperate middle aged men on too much viagra.

I know this because I frequent this shit-hole regularly. It cages the only women I seem to get these days.

The insinuation that those two pubs being English-themed had anything to do with the two stabbings is a load of crock. This is what Perthnow does best. Feeding off past prejudices that they’ve pumped up in their dirty loins. In this case it’s pub violence in England and rowdy English tourists, especially the barmy army. I know there’s no direct mention of it, so you’re more than welcome to disagree, but we all know whats going on here.

Putting two entirely seperate incidents together and making a shit-burger of a news story is what we’ve got on our hands here.

But hey, the Ashes is on and it’s pommy bashing season!

Who could resist that?

By the way, police are looking for a white male between the age 0f 30-65, balding & greying hair, portly build and he was wearing a beige sports jacket.

Congratulations, you’ve just described 90% of the clientele of the Elephant & Wheelbarrow.

stabbin' 2

Written by Uncle Mac

August 10, 2009 at 7:10 pm

UFOs in Perth!

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A while back I wrote about The Sunday Times’ credulous reporting on the police use of a psychic in the Rayney murder investigation. But that ain’t shit compared to this story, which appeared on PerthNow yesterday:

PerthNow reader photographs mystery lights over Perth Hills

Well did it?

No author is identified. Apparently, The Sunday Times couldn’t find a journalist with the appropriate level of self respect (none) to put their name to this story. But for mine it has Narelle Towie written all over it.

Unsurprisingly (surprisingly?) The Sunday Times itself didn’t run the story today. Reporting worthy of the Weekly World News is good enough for their interweb readers, but not good enough for print, I guess.

Weekly World News

The Weekly World News. This newspaper knows it's a joke.

Also, tipsters beware! Diplayed prominently on the perthnow.com.au front page:

UFO

By contrast, tucked away in the story:

The photographer stresses that he did not believe he had photographed a UFO, but has no explanation for the coloured lights which appeared on the digital images. [My emphasis]

Well played, PerthNow. Well played.

Written by Dick

August 9, 2009 at 4:47 pm

Tasered in the face with fire

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At risk of this blog turning into the Taser Times, the latest incident, in which an Aboriginal bloke went up in flames after being tasered, demands coverage.

Apparently, Ronald Mitchell was sniffing petrol at his mother’s house in the desert township of Warburton when two cops arrived. He either walked in the cops’ direction or bolted at them brandishing petrol and a lighter.  He was tasered by one of the cops, and his petrol-soaked face and neck lit on fire. The shooter cop then helped to put the fire out.

The story I read on PerthNow this morning, by Debbie Guest, was entitled:

Ronald Mitchell set on fire in Taser strike in Warburton, WA

That story contained an eyewitness account from Morinda West, a sister of the victim. She tells how her brother’s face burst into flames after the taser hit him on the bridge of the nose.

By this afternoon, the same URL at PerthNow that this morning had contained Guest’s story now contained a completely different story, this time by police reporter Nicole Cox. Read it here.

I bookmarked the original Guest piece this morning, and was confused to find the story by Cox in its place this afternoon. (The original article is still online, but not on PerthNow. I found it here, on the site of another Murdoch rag, The Herald Sun.) But Google doesn’t lie, ya’ll:

google doesn't lie

This Google result is for the URL I bookmarked this morning. It shows the heading of the replacement story by Nicole Cox, but the author is “Debbie Guest” and the stuff in the extract is from Guest’s original story. It’s a hangover from Google’s cache.

Why does this matter? Arguably, it’s not a big deal that PerthNow replaces one bit of copy with another. Maybe the first piece was available earlier, before PerthNow’s Nicole Cox had written her coverage.  In that case, by originally publishing the Guest piece, PerthNow provided the reader with the news ASAP – no harm, no foul.  Except for a couple of things.

Read the rest of this entry »

Children of the Storm

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Perthnow seems to be doing this thing where mid-week it hypes the upcoming weekend STM.  “STM” = Sunday Times Magazine. You know, the TV guide. Or what used to be the TV guide and is now a separate liftout to the TV guide? Not sure. Like Perth’s landfills, I can’t keep up with the weekend newspaper liftouts.

This week, it’s a : ( story:

Child of Courage

HEROICS and heartache were left in the wake of a trip down south that went horribly wrong.

That fateful day at Eagle’s Nest, near Denmark, a young man was lost at sea as friends desperately tried to save him.

But on the bright side, a heroine was born:

As STM reports this week, the terrible tragedy has shattered lives, but has earned 14-year-old Amy Pope, of Huntingdale, a Pride of Australia child of courage award for her efforts in trying to save the life of Craig Hathaway.

Aww.

Wait, rewind:

a Pride of Australia child of courage award

Oh no no no. Really? No, surely not a

Pride of Australia child of courage award

Ha! What?! That phrase rolls off the tongue like a Russian swear word. Doesn’t it just remind you of a simpler time, before the internet, or penicillin, or irony? “Gee willikers, Pop! Ain’t that Pride of Australia Child of Courage award medal just swell?”

Ok, so I’m being a jerk. This girl has probably been through the most devastating experience of her short life, and the good people at Pride of Australia (an organisation with that name exists) have given her a medal. A medal for children.

(You have to wonder what it says when you’re runner-up for that award… “Sorry, son, but you just weren’t courageous enough this year. Damn that Pope and her tragic heroics. In any other year it would have been yours”).

But, The Sunday Times, why you gotta go and do a thing like this:

heroics and heartbreak

Whoops.

Notice that she’s standing in a storm. There’s no photo credit here, but I really, really hope the Sunday Times photographer who’s been exclusively flogging third-rate reality TV “star” and top-model winner Tahnee Atkinson didn’t take this. Unfortunately, the evidence suggests otherwise:

spot the difference

Girls, welcome to Exploitationtown. Population: U.

Written by Dick

July 9, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Apologies in advance

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Brain isn’t working tonight. Maybe reading PerthNow every day isn’t good for you? No, I haven’t felt compelled to post off-topic, racist comments or enjoy Boy Blogga, so PerthNow can’t haven’t gotten to me yet. Can it?

What I’m trying to say is, I can’t be arsed. The readers of this blog know it’s mostly about MS-Painting cocks onto foreheads, anyway. And all 7 of you suckers keep coming back! So tonight I’m going to post the worst images from today’s Dullsville news. Give the people what they want, that’s our motto (that is not our motto).

Let’s start with some classic gross-out comedy from WA Today:

pussy-obsessed.

Ew, WA Today. Old lady is was pussy-obsessed? That’s her legacy. You heard it at WA Today first?

too far

See, we don’t just draw cocks on foreheads! (I’m so, so sorry).

Appropriately (putting aside that the phrase “pussy-obsessed” is NEVER APPROPRIATE outside of porno) the following picture accompanied today’s article by everyone’s favourite email forwarder, Narelle Towie:

dumped like rubbish

That’s a cute pussy cat. Someone put it in a bin! And someone else put the words “DUMPED LIKE RUBBISH” under it. The human race ain’t got it, man. It’s a bad crowd.

The next worst photo is of “Tahnee” Atkinson, soon to be washed up ex-reality star of Australia’s Next Top Model (which up to 2,000 people watch?):

tahnee

Modelling is so much flexing your neck in a storm.  I guess she can count it as a rehearsal for this:

PerthNow always seems to hog my posts, damn them, but how can you pass up gold like this:

in harmony

Oh man. Those two made some great music back in the Roaring Twenties (historical fact), but that photo is just the saddest. Imagine Garfunkel grabbing his balls, and you’ve got a mental imagine of Jacko’s planned, and mercifully-aborted, tour.

Finally, back to WA Today for a feel-good pic of an angry, angry young man destroying a speed camera with his bare hands:

speed rage

He didn’t even have to pay for (most) of it!