The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

Posts Tagged ‘Dullsville

Think there’s something to do in Perth?

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Those happenin’ cats at PerthNow have assembled all of the evidence that Perth isn’t a boring, atavistic hellhole:

Think there’s nothing to do in Perth?

FOR all those that call Perth ‘Dullsville’, maybe you’re just not aware of all the events happening around the city.

Maybe you’re just not aware of all of the events, but PerthNow is aware of all the events! What follows is an extensive list of all them. There’s so much happening, folks! I couldn’t assemble the whole list here, because it goes on 4 EVA, but here’s a taste:

Tuesday, In One Act

Until Sat 5 Sep, The Blue Room Studio, 8.30pm

This intimate, absurdist play takes you to a world where astronauts carry briefcases and cowboys feed pigeons. A delicate flux between poetry, satire and unpretentious honesty.

A world where cowboys feed pigeons? Get right outta town!

Spring Friday Night Shopping at Harbour Town

Fri 4, 11, 18 & 25 Sep, Harbour Town, 6pm to 9pm

Shop for your spring essentials at over 100 brand direct outlets while soaking up the sounds of jazz trios, contemporary crooners and the cool sounds of the calypso cats.

Factory direct Elwood t-shirts and jazz. A match made in Huhvean.

Catholic Arts Carnevale

Wed 9 Sep, Forrest Place, 9am

See a showcase of talent from Catholic primary and secondary schools. Activities include interactive displays, music and dance performances.

BYO condoms.

When I Grow Up

Sun 6 Sep, Fashion Central, Forrest Place, 10am

Celebrate Father’s Day with your dad at Perth Fashion Central as gorgeous kids and their fashionable dads model the latest collections from Forrest Chase retailers.

Replace the word “gorgeous” with “spoilt” and the word “fashionable” with “emasculated”. Oh, and the word “model” with “whore”.

After this “event”, shit somehow gets even duller: Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by Dick

September 6, 2009 at 2:26 pm

Extended trading hours don’t affect me – I just don’t like it: John Cummings

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I want to know exactly how shops closing at 6 o’clock be considered a good thing in this place. So why not go straight to the mouthpiece of the anti late shopping movement, IGA chairman John Cummmings.

He starts with an interesting claim that 96% of stores already can open but don’t.

Is this true? If so, I have never heard Dullsville so perfectly summed up in one statistic! Anyway, on this base, he believes that extend the trading hours will only mean Coles and Woolworths to open longer hours.

And how about the “why not?”

The argument that extended shopping will be forcing small, local-owned business to close is an argument I thought to have a strong effect on the public. I think many people could sympathize this – despite the public’s clearly demonstrate preference for chain stores (maybe something about the importance of signs?)

Anyway, I was fully expected that at least a real-world reason will be the base of the IGA argument.

But no, Mr Cummings does not make this claim – turns out he’s just “philosophically” against late shopping! And yet, as you can see in the interview below, he has no idea about the philosophy behind the regulation that he philosophically agree with. From now on, there is a word, for the philosophy Mr Cummings could not think of:

Behold! Philosophy of Dullsvillianism…

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Zhu Hongbing

August 21, 2009 at 4:20 pm

Dullsville wins again, Pt. II

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Sigh. We’ve only been chronicling Dullsville for a short 3 months here at The Dullsvillain, and in that time we’ve seen a thick, gray coat of paint applied to the two cornerstones of Perth dullness: daylight saving and, now, extended shopping hours.

The extended shopping hours “debate” is in one way closely analogous to the stateside argument about public health care. In America, there’s a fierce debate about whether the government should provide basic health care to its citizens.  In Perth, there’s a fierce debate about whether shops should be allowed to open past 5pm.  In the rest of the civilised world, they’re laughing at both of us.

There’s a few prominent villains who’ve emerged from this debacle.  First and foremost, of course, the spineless WA Labor party, who went to the last election touting extended shopping hours. No more. Nuts to all of the people who voted for them on that basis, they’ve conducted straw polls at supermarkets and discovered that there’s a real groundswell of self-interested, reactionary fucks in the Perth suburbs (per Eric Ripper):

We went out there, we spoke to people and we found small businesses almost universally opposed to it (extended trading hours), and we found only lukewarm support, at best 50 per cent among customers.

Of course, if they’d turned up to a few offices or factories, the results might have been different. But I don’t want to say too much about public support or opposition for the concept. As much as Labor and the interest groups are pushing the 2005 referendum defeat as a good basis for their opposition, anyone who knows anything about referendums knows they’re worth shit.  The Federal government has held 44 referendums and 36 have ended in “No” votes. That’s because people vote no – people who don’t give a shit, people who don’t trust politicians, undecided people, people pissed off they’ve been forced to vote, old people. Naysayers.

John Howard knew instinctively that referendums are a highly effective way to kill progress, and happily watched the chances for an Australian Republic burn.

The other big villain is Independent Grocers Association president John Cummings:

I don’t think Coles, Woolworths or the Chamber of Commerce and Industry will ever pack up and go home and interestingly with all of the surveys that they have done that supposedly shows that people want change, it’s strange that they’ve never actually called for a referendum.

The reason they’ve never called for another referendum is because they know it would be lost.

Yes, because the game is rigged, and you know it, Cummings.  Worse:

It’s good that a party has gone out and found out what its constituents wants…

The change to 9pm was a proposal the consumers didn’t need and that retailers didn’t want.

The consumers don’t need it and the retailers don’t want it, right?  On that logic, why does the government even bother to regulate and police shopping hours? If we deregulate we’ll save precious taxpayer dollars and, on Cummings’ logic, the shops still won’t open. Everyone wins.

Especially Cummings, who owns three IGAs. That’s right. The same bloke who is having public conniptions about the possibility of extended shopping hours and Coles and Woolworths’ duopoly status earns a mint by exploiting one of the best monopolist scams in WA by opening his IGAs into the night, long after his competitors are forced to close. Credibility FAIL. But really, he’s the perfect public face of the doggedly self-interested Independent Grocers Association, who actually profit from the pain of consumers. Say what you will about Monarchists, but at least they don’t have a profit motive behind their backward ideology.

John Cummings, you, sir, are a DullsVillain:

villain

Written by Dick

August 20, 2009 at 12:03 am

Nunzio La Bianca: Dullsville Hero

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The forced closure of The Rock was characteristically Dullsville, and a real shame. Even though it was one of Perth’s most disgusting dives, it had personality. And personality goes a long way.

But, inevitably, the cops and other sundry neo-prohibitionists got pissed off about people having fun, and stepped in with coercive force. Not only was Nunzio La Bianca’s small business unceremoniously shut down, but he was personally banned from the whole booze industry.

Almost:

A NIGHTCLUB owner – the first person in WA to face a five-year ban from working at licensed premises – will open an “alcohol-free” venue in Northbridge.

But in an apparent loophole, Nunzio La Bianca will allow BYO at the “dry” Newcastle St nightspot, Revolutions – and there appear to be no regulations to stop him.

hero

Even the Commissioner of the Fun Police didn’t see this one coming:

A spokesman for Police Commissioner Karl O’Callaghan said: “It’s impossible to predict the impact of the reopening of The Rock as a BYO venue, but WA Police will continue to closely monitor violent and anti-social behaviour in that area”.

nunz the wiser

Tastes like “dry” humble pie, don’t it Karl?

This is actually a decent idea from Nunz. BYO nightclubs and music venues could be a cheap and unpretentious alternative to Perth’s shameful nightlife scene.

But, of course, there’s no way that’s how this will pan out. The “loophole” allowing Nunz to remain a nightclub honcho will be closed faster than you can mix a non-alcoholic daiquiri, and I reckon he knows it.

For Nunz, this is really just a sneaky ‘fuck you’ to the Liquor Commission, the cops, and the WA public who support them. Just listen to the cheeky bastard:

I’m trying to give people an option of going somewhere rather than hanging around with drunks and people who are intoxicated…

Not everybody goes out to get drunk. There’s this perception that everybody goes to Northbridge to get drunk…

There’s a problem in Northbridge with alcohol. I don’t think that I’ve been part of that problem, but the Liquor Board and the police seem to think I have. Well, I’m going to run a venue without alcohol.

Lol. Pull the other one, Nunz!

nunz' pet shop

You can find Nunz’s “alcohol-free” “Pet Shop” on Newscastle Street, at the arse end of Northbrige. It’s the big pink former nightclub.

Written by Dick

June 25, 2009 at 9:57 pm

PerthWHY

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PerthNow is in fine form this Thursday.

First up is the latest Boy Blogga, who this week seems to be channeling Sheik al-Hilaly. He thinks sexual abuse is funny and sexual equality isn’t a freedom worth fighting for:

So are women victims of a misogynistic, patriarchal society? Are they forced to live by cruel and unfair double standards? Maybe, but I don’t think that’s the real issue. I just think men are “sluttier” than women and I have science on my side…

Put simply men are biologically more up for random action than women. Does anybody else find some solace in this?…

Enough theory, let’s put this into practice – it’s about four in the morning, parties dying, who’s left there? Heaps of dudes! Where do the girls go? I suppose they’re more sensible/less slutty and have already gone home and saved themselves the indignity of trawling for action at a dead sausage party.

Dead sausage party? Didn’t yucky meat analogies go out with Sheik al-Hilaly’s controversial 2006 sermon?:

If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it … whose fault is it, the cats’ or the uncovered meat? The uncovered meat is the problem. If she was in her room, in her home, in her hijab, no problem would have occurred.

The moral is cover your women or slutty MAN-CATS will biologically trawl for random dead sausage action. How’s that for science, Boy Blogga?

slut

Speaking of science, next up on PerthNow, Narelle Towie, science and environment reporter, brings us this gem: “Giant Feral Pig Caught in WA?” accompanied by a horrifying picture of the animal that will one day enslave us all:

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Dick

May 28, 2009 at 7:20 pm

Uncomplicate, unhassle, unshoot me in the freakin’ head

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If you’re from Dullsville you would have encountered SGIO’s horrifying “un-” campaign.  Brace your soul:

Four reasons why the guy who did the voice-over for this ad is a FUCKING LIAR:

  1. He wouldn’t touch prawns from the Swan River with YOUR mouth;
  2. He hasn’t got a clue what “Rotto” or “the Doctor” are;
  3. His motivation for that knowing grunt at 0:15 was the thought “I can’t believe they’re paying me for this garbage”; and
  4. He knows that the prefix “un” is meaningless as a noun.

untruthy

The fake nostalgia for a supposedly less complicated (apologies, UNcomplicated) past pushed in this ad (and, to a lesser extent, the other “un-“ ads) is such a fucking lie.  For chissakes, back when you could fish kilos of delicious prawns out of the Swan, there was no cure for polio. But I guess the fact that this ad is a lie is just duh.  It’s an ad for insurance.

But it’s such a bad lie and SUCH a bad ad. Really, who were the soulless freaks in the focus group that ate this shit up?  Come on, fellow human beings. The jerk in this ad didn’t get his yacht, his mooring at Rotto and his ripped physique by reminiscing about the good ol’ days and “unworrying”. And it’s been proven by science that you can’t “unworry” when you think about whether to spend a chunk of your income on the complicated theoretical benefits of insurance.

The only good thing about this ad is the gorgeous Rotto scenery.  Oh, and when Billy Backflip gets (un)stabbed in the balls with a giant (un)phallus:

Unstabbed in the balls

Yay.

Written by Dick

May 24, 2009 at 5:21 pm

The premature death of a Perth cultural institution

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Dullsville isn’t only a bastion of change-fearing hicks.  It’s also a bit of a police state*.  In Western Australia, police can and do:

  • Confiscate and even destroy your car;
  • Give you a notice requiring you to leave a suburb, immediately;
  • Stop you and hundreds of other commuters in peak hour, mid-week traffic for a breath test;
  • Use dogs to sniff you on your way into Big Day Out, causing you to panic, swallow your pills, OD and die; and
  • Mace, taser, baton and shoot you.

And now they can have you banned from working at a pub:

the rock

A lot of Dullsvillains would have mixed feelings about the end of The Rock, formerly known as The Bog. The place for me has a few queasy memories. The beer there always tasted like it came from the one vat of unsterilized home brew. One late night, when it was still The Bog, I went to take a leak and was greeted by a perfect geometric turd sitting on top of the toilet.  Not the seat, mind you, but the cistern.  The dexterity alone required to pull that off is mind-boggling.

So when Nunzio La Bianca painted the place hot pink and renamed it The Rock, it was half WTF, half FTW:

rock2

And now the cops by way of the liquor commission have laid the smack down on Nunz, star of The Ozzie Park Boys. Poor bloke doesn’t only lose his licence to hock early-morning booze to bikies and off-duty strippers, but he’s banned from working at a pub for five years.

Like, he can’t carry glass at The Saint on a Saturday night.  Uncle Mac said it best: “Getting banned from a whole industry is unheard of. Even Rodney Adler can be a secretary”.

* By Western liberal democracy standards.  I won’t front, North Korea.