The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

Archive for the ‘Celebrity F-troupe’ Category

The times they are a-Chonging

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From The West Australian last week:




First Patti Chong quits her blog at WA Today, and now her favourite furniture store and questionable source of F-grade publicity, Merrys Furniture, are packing up shop for a new location! This sequence of heartbreaking news has shocked the psyche of right-thinking people.

Patti’s paid endorsement of Merrys is so funny. Strange funny, not ha-ha funny. I mean, why her? Unlike John Hughes, she doesn’t own the store.  Unlike Luigi Savadamoni, she isn’t an actual celebrity. I presume she doesn’t have any special knowledge about the benefits of couches made from real dead cows. But that ain’t stopping her!

Yet… something about this ad is so =(.

This, from Nova’s breakfast segment fuckstains “Nathan and Nat”, doesn’t help:

They are cackling at her accent, right? When Nat pronounces “Patti Chong” like a sneering teenager, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that these are a couple of schoolyard bullies with their sights on the Malay kid:


It’s scary to think about the number of Dullsvillains who straightline this sewage on the way to work every morning.

After all of that, maybe it’s time to lay off Patti for a while. Right after I get this out of the way:






Written by Dick

August 23, 2009 at 10:51 pm

Patti Gone!

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What! Patti Chong is calling it quits over at The Verdict, her blog at WA Today. For realsies!

i'm out

In true Chongstyle, her farewell post is a self indulgent essay packed with swipes at her detractors.

She starts off by quoting at length a sycophantic email from… some Notre Dame law student called Clarence?

…I am a university student at the University of Notre Dame in Fremantle. Throughout my course, I have noticed many issues in our legal and political system, which seems quite unjust and rigid…

I would just like to say that the things you have achieved and have fought for are indeed amazing. You have inspired me to tackle situations where the legislation appears unjust. As a Notre Dame law student, social justice has always been a common theme throughout my time at university. It may not count for much but I just want to congratulate you on your philanthropy and kind-heartedness throughout the legal and social realm (especially on Nova radio!). It may not seem like it, but you are indeed an inspiration to many law students.

Blerg. Give it a rest, “Clarence Paul”. There’s less humiliating ways to find a job. Honest.

Of course, Patti’s extended whinge about her meanie-pants critics is the real gold:

While I did not expect all readers to agree with my views or support the issues which are most passionate to me, I did not expect the vitriol and vilification from some of my detractors.

Issues can be passionate now? She goes on:

Some of the attacks on me personally, remarks about my children and my estranged husband were uncalled for, unjustified and bordered on the extreme.

To clarify, she is talking about the “estranged husband” who put an innocent man in jail for 11 years, never faced disciplinary proceedings, and got paid a bonus $276,000 $381,000 for it.

While we’re on the subject of “bordering on the extreme”:

In my years of prosecuting some of the more notorious and not so notorious criminal elements of our community, they seem to be more balanced and displayed more redeeming features than some of the people who have posted comments.

I bet this one is for Skink, who’s been irritating Patti like a bad case of the crabs for yonks now. But, that aside, Lots Of Love for this! Internet commentors are the worst! They have less redeeming features than the notorious criminal elements of our community. You know, like people who abuse children.

It’s not all just a big whinge, though. Patti has some well-worn advice for the haters:

My beloved mother used to tell me that if we have nothing positive to say about anybody or anything, then silence is golden.

And from mixed metaphors to Shakespeare:

If I am able to inspire just one person or change something positively by my pieces, then I suppose it has been worthwhile to have suffered the slings and arrows.

That’s a motiviational poster, right there:


Ok, I admit that I’m going to miss Patti. I mean, what am I going to write about every Thursday now? Surely there’s a limit to the play we can get from pissing off The Dwarf?

Written by Dick

August 13, 2009 at 10:47 pm

The other John Hughes

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You know you’re from Dullsville if, when you heard that John Hughes died, you wondered whether you’d still be subjected to these:

Apparently, the bloke that directed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Home Alone was also called John Hughes. Perth’s John Hughes is, as far as the evidence suggests, still alive and going strong (if looking a little weathered, and struggling to form his traditional emphasis-fist when he says “absolutely“):

Is it true that John Hughes will continue to subject us to his egomaniacal ads? Absolutely.

Written by Dick

August 8, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Patti Wrong

with 11 comments

Patti Chong is Dullsville’s own “celebrity” lawyer, an ostentatious F-lister whos public persona recalls an opinionated echidna.


Patti is a small-town media creature, more famous for her “flamboyant” dress sense and party-going than for her legal practice, “Patti Chong Lawyer”. Presumably, her practice relies on defending victims of the fashion police:

god help us

As someone who can’t help but wax lyrical to a semi-indulgent Perth press, Patti’s fatal flaw is that when she does so, she comes out with the dumbest shit. Here’s Patti on the separation with her husband, prosecution-reptile and Andrew Mallard victimiser Ken Bates:

The separation hasn’t been easy. It’s been worse than a death in the family.

Wo-oh! But that ain’t nothing compared to her view of the Mallard debacle, in which senior public prosecutors, including her ex-hubby, and police collaborated to send an innocent man to jail for 11 years:

What Andrew Mallard went through was bad enough, but what Ken and my family went through is bad, too…

I still stand by him. What the CCC has done to Ken is a travesty of justice of profound consequences…

If there have been any mistakes, it was purely human error. It’s just like a surgeon who accidentally may cut an artery instead of a small vein.

Zing! I’m no doctor, but cutting an artery instead of a small vein?! That’s some Dr Nick Riveria shit, ain’t it?

Artery, vein, what's the difference?

Artery, vein, what's the difference?

And I thought Patti was a litigator – wouldn’t an error of those proportions be a medical negligence gold mine?

(In the meantime, Ken Bates still has his taxpayer funded job (salary: almost $300k) despite the 11 years of shower-rape Mallard will never get back, the CCC finding that Bates engaged in misconduct (two counts) and the CCC statement that there were grounds for his sacking. Travesty of justice of profound consequences, anyone?)

Which brings me to Patti’s blog at WA Today, The Verdict. In Patti’s latest instalment, she manages to leech even more play from the twin babies death non-story (read Zhu’s excellent piece on the story here). The title of this post has got to win the Logie for most inappropriate use of an exclamation point:

Hush baby, please don’t cry!

Even though the title was probably imposed by an overzealous editor, it accurately foreshadows the petty non-insights that follow:

The heartbreaking news of the deaths of twin seven-month-old babies in a Perth suburb this week found with their unconscious mother, in an apparent overdose, has shocked the psyche of right-thinking people.

How horribly Orwellian a phrase is “right-thinking”? The premise: If your “psyche” wasn’t shocked by the deaths, you are wrong-thinking. Call the Thought Police.

Patti goes on:

The mother remains in a critical condition and the cause of the twins’ deaths no doubt will be revealed in an autopsy.

Um, no Patti. The result of the autopsy went public (including on WA Today) the day before your post. It was inconclusive.

Patti then spends a few long paragraphs sharing her opinions on motherhood, mental health and post-natal depression (because lawyers are experts on this stuff?) before ending the post like this:

In the meantime, women with post-natal depression suffer in silence, sometimes with tragic consequences. They sing their lullabies ‘hush, baby please don’t cry, mummy is just going to put you to sleep peacefully.’


Because chronically depressed mothers always sing twisted perversions of lullabies before murdering their offspring?


“Bargains make me happy”: WA Salvage’s Luigi

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In 2005, after 34 years of stolid service, WA Salvage cast aside its human face, the great, very beloved Luigi, even can be described as “iconic”. In fact, according to the award certificate in the frame on his dining room wall, this Great Man name Claudio Versaico has played “longest standing character presenter in WA’s TV history”.

Less than one year later, the company FAIL! Coincidence?

Even though this, I think this is a story about the “Good Old Days” of advertising industry. Mr Claudio was obviously very loyal, and the company even was loyal back to him, give him the full time job for many years – just doing the adverts!

But the “Bad New Days” eventually arrive, inevitable maybe in this industry. After 34 years, Wesfarmers/Bunnings basically ruin his advertising career because they wouldn’t let him take his Luigi, one and only character, with him, to further campaigns. He got the job offers afterwards, but he wasn’t allowed.

I think he WAS the Luigi, so he should be allowed. But, in a Dullsvillain ‘exclusive’ (can just call me Joe HongSpadge now!), he has now ruled out a comeback.

Since Mr Claudio, 72, has retired, now singing in the amateur opera (see also 1987 Sunday Times story about his professional opera – at the end of story), but has also been the PATRON of PROSH, where everyone followed him around for one day, help to raise thousands of dollars for the charity sick people.

Is very kind for Mr Claudio approve of the interview, because, he said he was recently been screwed over by a local TV crue, he thinks maybe from A Current Affair (but equal as likely Today Tonight), he said they just occupy his house for 3 hours, never telling him it was in order to feature him in a segment on “The Most Annoying Ads”, in which he spoke for about 30 seconds. A big shame that Dick and Uncle Mac miss that. He said in the same show they also targeted ‘Farmer Jacks’ guy – another GOOD ad, speaking relatively…another BAD media!

So Mr CLaudio Versaico kindly agreed to the interview (and photo shoot) with the Dullsvillain, and displays the community attitude towards “selling the soul”.

Oh yeah and here’s the making of a WA Salvage ad.

Zhu Hongbing: How did you get the part?

Claudio/Luigi: I joined the opera company in 1968, mainly in the chorus and small parts. We were rehearsing an opera down at Guildford Road for the opera company, and they got in touch with the office to find out if we got any people that prefereably of Italian origin, Marketforce is looking for a new face to do the advertising for WA Salvage. So I went to do an audition with them, this was in May 1972.

I just had to read a proposed advertising, and they liked the way I spoke and that was it . . . I did the advertising for WA Salvage for 34 and a half years.

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Zhu Hongbing

June 15, 2009 at 8:40 am

The Western Suburbs Update

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Who’s the bigger super gayer? The Western Surburbs’ Anthony Von Leonhardi or The Sunday Times’ Holly Wood? I Unfortunately couldn’t find a picture of Holly Wood. He thought Perth would bring him glitz and glamour. Google thought otherwise. Anthony still has a lot of phallus to slurp if he wants that coveted ST possie from Holly, though he’s doing an excellent/worst job at The Western Suburbs of late.

Here he snaps some douche (as Dick would say), with his mother’s friend at a six-course dinner courtesy of Grange. I get a sneaking suspicion these two hang out A LOT at the Subiaco Hotel on Friday nights. This guy is classic douche material. Look at that poxy vest. Look at the immaculate colour co-ordination. Look how the chin is tilted skwards like a pompous hipster. Then look at what’s on his arm. Yuk!  These two deserve each other.

…Gerard Neesham?!


This middle aged blonde wench who looks like she’s been ’round the block a few too many times had her handbag stolen last week while she was shoe shopping in the city. She lives in Claremont. She had this to say: “The sad thing is that i believe in helping others, so if she had simply asked me for money i would have given it to her”. BULLSHIT. What a liar, there is no chance in hell that she would have given her the flint out of her fat wallet let alone a buck-o-five. I had something similar happen to me once. I was begging for gold coins for charity in a flashy Claremont women’s shoe store one morning and they wouldn’t give me the time of day. totally ignored me. I was asked by the store bitch to “please leave, you’re upsetting our customers”. Which was true.

Check out old Sergeant Lockhart giving it the old ‘uncle merv’ (perve) in the background with the great combo of the skull cranium and the thick ‘tash that tapers off at the ends. Kudos. By the way, isn’t all crime a  ‘crime of opportunity?’


Speaking of crime, this is my favourite section of the WSW. After disappearing for a week ‘Police Watch’ makes a glorious return. Good to see Claremont getting a solid pilfering. Bay View Terrace has been copping it sweet over the last 4 weeks, which is always good. Would like to see Peppermint Grove get involved a bit more. They seem to escape the bandits wrath. I feel for Wembley- Cambridge & Harbourne Street are made for the ‘ol pick & roll move. With any luck with this recession and all, we’ll see the burglaries go through the roof in the western suburbs, so to speak.  Also, I hope that ‘unnamed oval’ in Nedlands is safe in witness protection.


Flogging guitars in Wembley and teaching battlers how to fingerpick is where Tommy Emmanuel’s career is at now.

Phoney Phil

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Remember phil ‘from the ‘burbs’ haberland who writes for the sunday times?

Turns out when he says ‘burbs’ he actually means the western suburbs.

Yes indeed. he writes a column in the western suburbs weekly.

What a phoney.

He’s their big gun contributer. coming in at first drop on page 2 in their batting line up.

His column this week was whinging about how he couldn’t get his fagoty luxury mixture of egyptian dried nuts, herbs & spices at the new claremont quarter, called ‘dukkahs’.

And yes, he did actually give this dried food ‘dukkahs’ a capital D in the heading.