Archive for the ‘Bad ads’ Category
Nigel Satterley: Now we on teh internets, we needs a ad.
Satterley executive: But we gots no money.
Nigel Satterley: Me know.
Satterley executive: Internets scare me.
Nigel Satterley: Me too.
From The West Australian last week:
First Patti Chong quits her blog at WA Today, and now her favourite furniture store and questionable source of F-grade publicity, Merrys Furniture, are packing up shop for a new location! This sequence of heartbreaking news has shocked the psyche of right-thinking people.
Patti’s paid endorsement of Merrys is so funny. Strange funny, not ha-ha funny. I mean, why her? Unlike John Hughes, she doesn’t own the store. Unlike Luigi Savadamoni, she isn’t an actual celebrity. I presume she doesn’t have any special knowledge about the benefits of couches made from real dead cows. But that ain’t stopping her!
Yet… something about this ad is so =(.
This, from Nova’s breakfast segment fuckstains “Nathan and Nat”, doesn’t help:
They are cackling at her accent, right? When Nat pronounces “Patti Chong” like a sneering teenager, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that these are a couple of schoolyard bullies with their sights on the Malay kid:
It’s scary to think about the number of Dullsvillains who straightline this sewage on the way to work every morning.
After all of that, maybe it’s time to lay off Patti for a while. Right after I get this out of the way:
You know you’re from Dullsville if, when you heard that John Hughes died, you wondered whether you’d still be subjected to these:
Apparently, the bloke that directed Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Home Alone was also called John Hughes. Perth’s John Hughes is, as far as the evidence suggests, still alive and going strong (if looking a little weathered, and struggling to form his traditional emphasis-fist when he says “absolutely“):
Is it true that John Hughes will continue to subject us to his egomaniacal ads? Absolutely.
Not quite. Not even close. I literally tripped over these very niche publications when i was exiting a public building today. At my own discretion mind you. Has anyone else seen these before, let alone read one? I was amazed to find out they actually existed.
I scoff at you cynics who say Dullsville is a one and a half paper town. When you’ve got the hippie publication ‘Nova’, a fag paper called ‘OutInPerth’ (all one word as far as i can tell), two baby boomer rags and a mother’s monthly to keep the intellect buzzing, everything must be A-Ok in ye olde Perth town.
here’s some highlights of the ads i found in ’em.
I love the title of this baby boomer paper. ‘Have a Go’. Real condescending in a real chirpy sorta way. I get the feeling a lot of old codgers must nod off whilst they’re reading this for some reason. (condescending under 9’s football coach voice required here) “It’s not about getting through the whole paper, it’s about ‘having a go!'”
I guess it’s not only APIA that’s getting loose on its age requirements these days. 45?! Thats just insulting.
All women by law should have to wear this ‘hook at the front’ bra.
Pierce Brosnan’s L’Oreal Paris Menexpert abortion, you guys:
I couldn’t find a video of the Aussie version of this ad, which is played 13 dozen (baker’s INFINITY) times during EVERY SINGLE game of Aussie rules footy on TV. But I did find a bunch of other versions:
That’ll do, Germany.
This is, apparently, the Cirque du Soleil of ads, transcending national boundaries with its terribleness.
Funny thing is the Aussie version is a bit different. I’ve hate-watched this ad so many times, it’s tattooed into my cerebellum. CHECK THE TRANSCRIPT, YA’LL:
There’s more to life than making films
Fighting to protect the environment
Finding time for my coke habit
Swallowing cocktails of valium and Viagra
Fucking 19 year old models on my 60 foot yacht
But you’ve still got to keep it up
It’s the same for my foreskin
(Vita Lift double lifting lubricant from L’Oreal Menex-Spurt)
(Two spurts for a double-penetration)
The future of your sagging libido is in your hands
The Sunday Times yesterday dedicated almost all of page 5 to how WA is drier than Tracy Grimshaw’s twat around Gordon Ramsey:
For the mandatory picture, they went with the classic “find random family who are remotely affected by this and stage ridiculous photo”:
Because everyone waters the lawn around their family under the burning sun at midday because water conservation?
This article by “garden guru” Trevor Cochrane accompanies the main piece:
I have to hand it to Trev, they seem like good tips. Not having a garden works pretty well for me too.
And then, right next door (this is all on the same page)… the rub, ya’ll:
Oh man, this is funnier and sadder than joking about dying children. Huge savings! Except for water. Huge losses there. But otherwise, HUGE SAVINGS!
Trevor isn’t impressed:
The Dullsvillain plunders the vault of Perth’s media past
I guess The Dullsvillain’s “bad ads” category is a bit of a tautology. Ads are always bad. There’s a picture of an ad in the dictionary next to the word “bad”.
But were ads always bad? Say, 30 years ago?
Yep, ads were always bad! Also, racist.
Anyone remember those 90s Big Rock ads with the chieftain’s booming voice over?:
It was kind of a shame for everyone when the PC crowd got to them and he was replaced by a fast whispering lady:
A shame for everyone except for native Americans. It was kind of a win for them.
But that Big Rock ad is at least honest about hitting rock bottom. Actually, brutal honesty seems to have been in fashion back then:
1979 consumer: Great, Mitchells’ mattresses are a cut below the rest!
2009 consumer: Awesom– Wait, what?
If you look closely, the crudely sketched moustachioed bloke is supposed to be Dennis Lillee. Which is educational, because if you were born after 1979, you probably only remember him from such product-flogs as Steel Blue work boots and Carpet Call.
A mere five months after this ad, Lillee infamously toted an aluminium bat to the crease at the WACA against England:
This incident caused a short-lived surge in the sale of metal bats, before they were unceremoniously banned by cricket.
1979 been a fucked up year.