The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

Posts Tagged ‘The West Australian

Doogie Howser, F.A.I.L.

with one comment

Perth’s tabloids are your grandmother. That’s why instead of page 3 girls, we get page 3 overachievers:

Teen on track to be a doctor at 20

Doogie Howser

What do people think when they hear child prodigy doctor? Author Bethany Hiatt and her editors hit you over the head with it in the very first paragraph:

Teenage medical student Welwyn Aw-Yong is WA’s own Doogie Howser MD.

Except without the resurgence as a creepily believable pussy-hound in How I Met Your Mother.

Is it ok to make fun of this child? I dunno. Good on him for following his “dream”, I guess?

I’d like to be a rural GP or something like that – maybe

But he’s on page 3 of the newspaper. Why on Earth would you subject yourself to that embarrassing shit! Did The West hold a gun to his head and force him to make that awkward pose? Did his pushy parents demand that he put his smarts on the public record?

Actually, both of those seem like possibilities. The kid is 15, you can’t blame him. I’m not even sure how consent works when it comes to minors and publicity-whoring.

But sorry, Welwyn, this I can’t abide:

Asked why he thought he was so advanced for his age, Welwyn attributed it to “God’s grace” and his ability to set aside other distractions.

Riiiight. Remind me not to see this guy when he’s a doctor at age 20. Wouldn’t want my health complaints attributed to “Demons”.

The times they are a-Chonging

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From The West Australian last week:

Relocation

Enhance:

patti

First Patti Chong quits her blog at WA Today, and now her favourite furniture store and questionable source of F-grade publicity, Merrys Furniture, are packing up shop for a new location! This sequence of heartbreaking news has shocked the psyche of right-thinking people.

Patti’s paid endorsement of Merrys is so funny. Strange funny, not ha-ha funny. I mean, why her? Unlike John Hughes, she doesn’t own the store.  Unlike Luigi Savadamoni, she isn’t an actual celebrity. I presume she doesn’t have any special knowledge about the benefits of couches made from real dead cows. But that ain’t stopping her!

Yet… something about this ad is so =(.

This, from Nova’s breakfast segment fuckstains “Nathan and Nat”, doesn’t help:

They are cackling at her accent, right? When Nat pronounces “Patti Chong” like a sneering teenager, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that these are a couple of schoolyard bullies with their sights on the Malay kid:

fuckstains

It’s scary to think about the number of Dullsvillains who straightline this sewage on the way to work every morning.

After all of that, maybe it’s time to lay off Patti for a while. Right after I get this out of the way:

p2Enhance:

p3

Enhance:

p4

Written by Dick

August 23, 2009 at 10:51 pm

The Bolivillain: Dirty socks, filthy travel writing

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Evo Morales

The Bolivillain is a Dullsville escapee hiding in South America, Trotsky-style. He’s currently holed up in the mountains of Bolivia. These are his dispatches.

I have an obsession with travel, so when I was trawling through thewest.com.au for biased coverage of the Eagles, my eye was drawn to this condescendingly-titled piece:

Leave the bad habits at home when travelling

Associated Press are really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this piece, which consists of ridiculous “travel advice” from a lazy copy writer that has spent a couple of days out in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and is therefore an “expert” in travel. He’s such an expert he sets out a series of numbered travel tips.  They are so terrible, they make my mullet stand on edge in rage. I’ll address them one by one:

1. Start with a virtual vacation. Anticipation is half the pleasure, so bookmark your destination on your computer and check in often before you go. … I started my holiday two months early by bookmarking “cabin 15” on my laptop and glancing at the rustic charms of that brown-and-yellow hut several times a day.

Here, in the course of one tip, the author idealises the tired idea of a holiday away from technology, and yet blatantly takes a huge steaming dump on the only meritorious concept it holds. Other than the fact that it is insanely dumb to bookmark the home page of  a CABIN (the cabin-page?), who the hell wants to potentially spoil their own experience before it actually happens? It’s the equivalent of reading the last page of a book before the start, or more likely for this author, finding out who won WWE Smashdown before watching it.

2. Wash the dishes before you leave. Make the bed. Close the drawers and cupboard. Nothing pricks a holiday bubble faster than coming home to mouldy coffee cups, tangled sheets and underwear sprawling from the chest of drawers.

Anon. Seems to have an unhealthy obsession with dirty clothing, mentioning dirty clothes no less than three separate times in this short article, even in the intro (“One minute you’re planning and packing, the next you’re back home with a suitcase full of filthy clothes.”)

Dang. Mouldy cups AGAIN.

Filthy.

Possibly it didn’t occur to the tard that you can, actually, wash clothes without your washing machine and electric drier. If you’re paying some obscene amount to rent a cabin in buttfuck nowhere, maybe, just maybe, the enjoyment you gain is from doing things you normally wouldn’t, or doing things in a way that goes back to pre-technological methods – not just in some bullshit isolation from Facebook to make you feel like you’re “roughing it”!

[Ed: After the jump, the Bolivillain maintains the mullet-rage against this garbage non-story…]

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Dick

July 9, 2009 at 9:40 pm

Show us ya hoon

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In New York a few years ago, I remember being amused at how the New York Post called cops “cops”. Like, a story would lead in with “An off-duty rookie cop was fatally shot in East Harlem last night”. Fair enough. Everyone calls cops “cops”, so why not the newspaper? But it sounds wrong, like your grandmother dropping the F-bomb.

Then there’s the way the media of Western Australia INSISTS on flogging the term “hoon”:

Doing a burnout with his 14-month-old son and girlfriend in the passenger seats was the final indiscretion for 20-year-old hoon Ryan James Joseph, the first person to have a car confiscated under tough anti-hoon laws.

The West’s unironic love of the term “hoon” gives you a pretty good indication of who this rag is being sold to. Basically, fist-shaking fogies:

old man yells at hoon

Problem is, no one else uses the word hoon. The top definition for hoon on Urban Dictionary, which reads:

1. To travel at speed in a confined area, or do burnouts on a public road in traffic.

2. To show off in a dagerous [sic] manner, mostly with a vehicle or engine powered item.

Look at that bloody dangerous hoon!!

(YELLED IN ANNOYANCE AT OFFENDER).. YA FUCKIN’ HOON!!!

only has 150-odd thumbs up. If you compare obscure memes like “farting gift”, which boasts 3,900 thumbs, or “douchebaguette”, with 5280, hoon basically isn’t a word.

The second definition for hoon on Urban Dictionary, with a close 50+ thumbs up, is where things get interesting:

A vulgar alternative to the word “cunt”.

The prime minister in [sic] an utter hoon.

Or, I drank 8 pints of lager and got completely hooned.

After the jump, I translate today’s hoon story in the West accordingly:

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Dick

May 29, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Screwdriver Into Snatch-er

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Estro forgot to wear some essential equipment

Tampons were not in the kit bag

In between the hilarious ‘Western suburbs (house) prices plunge’ piece and the neither here nor there article ‘5c piece may go in coin overhaul’ on page 3 in today’s West Australian, there was a huge picture of five females standing around wearing roller-skates. It sure doesn’t take much to get on page 3 anymore does it? The Cottesloe pylon would be gutted that it was snubbed. It’s a bit ironic that page 3 is usually associated with centrefold girls, but you can see for yourself what I mean.
lezbos
Let’s get back to the picture because there lays the humour. The blonde in the middle who looks like she just ate groundskeeper Willy, shortened his kilt and is now wearing his skin like a cheap suit is the alpha ‘doll’ (as they like to call themselves) of the pack. She’s a state ice and inline hockey player, martial artist and body builder!  Wow! As reporter Flip Prior (that’s a fucked name) states, “This is one bunch of women you wouldn’t want to mess with”. No I wouldn’t Flip. But if I did foolishly hit on alpha doll at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow one drunken Saturday night, my penis would be gnarled off quicker than I could say “St John ambulance”. Let’s be real here people. These ladies aren’t, as Ugly George would say, “the most feminie ladies I’ve come across”. The sport is notorious for having the highest ratio of pissed off disgruntled lezbos per sport that has a 99% lezbo participation rate. That other 1% if you’re wondering, is first year gender studies students. ‘But how do you know their lesbians you ask’? ‘That’s sexist you say’. ‘Stop discriminating against women who play sport you say’. I say this: when something is true and correct it no longer should be considered sexist. Why? Because it’s TRUE. When I say there’s a high correlation between dykes and Roller Derby, you bleeding heart whingers should just nod your head and say “yes uncle, that’s is a correct statement. You are right.” It’s not right because I said it it’s right, it’s right because there is a lot of fucking Sapphic activity going on in those change rooms once those skates are taken off. They might stay on. I’m not sure how these things work. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Uncle Mac

May 23, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Daylight saving fail

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The people of Western Australia emphatically rejected progress yesterday, casting a firm vote for the status quo for the fourth time in as many decades.

The daylight saving poll was another overly rancorous $9 million distraction from meaningful issues, like, I don’t know, the fact that it hasn’t rained in half a year, just like we were told.  Even so, and recognising that my reasons for supporting daylight saving were just as petty as the reasons that led 55% of WA to say “get fucked” yet again, this result is undeniably a vote for Dullsville.  All due respect to morning people, but you guys are so boring.

The West’s editorial line was pro-saving, but you had to look close to find it in Saturday’s paper.  It’s tucked away in the second last paragraph of an especially soporific editorial:

[12 paragraphs of guff]

Judging by the Westpoll results, today’s referendum looks like being lost. The West Australian believes, in weighing both sides of the argument, that there would be more benefits for the State if the Yes vote were successful.

But a result either way will not fundamentally change our way of life.  And whatever the outcome, it is important that the people’s view is respected.

The Dullsvillain believes, in weighing both sides of the argument, that whoops. This is not a TEE English exam, The West. Spend less time weighing arguments and more time growing balls.

ANYWAY. Funny thing about the supposed pro-saving stance is that the front cover seemed a little anti:

no-set-to

Ok, The West did a poll and that was the result.  Fair enough. But then there’s this logo placed prominently next to (and cutting into) the very first paragraph of the article:

no

It’s an ANGRY SUN! It looks like a disgruntled ninja star made of hot flame and drunk on cheap whiskey. It’s the sunburned face of your redneck dad.

By contrast, the more slick and benign Yes campaign logo is tucked away in the corner of the cover.

I’ve never seen this angry, low-rent No campaign logo before, and the only place I can find it online is here. More familiar is the MS-Paint special used by the WA Farmers Federation:

just say no

In hindsight, WAFF’s choice to echo the famous anti-drug slogan might not have been a bad one. Daylight saving, like drug use, is a dangerous leap into the unknown. It could have been a gateway to God knows what kinds of debauchery – Sunday trading, relaxed liquor licensing, open and unpunished crime in the streets. It’s a slippery slope.

Meanwhile, SGIO either tipped the No result, or paid their ad agency for two alternative sets of ads, because this utter disgrace was plastered on the cover of today’s Sunday Times:

sgio

Gross.

You win again, Dullsville.

Written by Dick

May 17, 2009 at 10:32 pm

Daylight Saving: Did Brendan just say yessff?

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daylight

Brendan selling seashells down by the seashore? No. Families frolicking for a Sunday Times photographer

It’s the last day before the 4th referendum between the “i choose life” yays and the perennial status quo nays, and things are getting dirty… finally. yes!  ah, i mean, no. There’s nothing better than a little bit of political advertising under- handedness right on ballot-eve. You might have choked on your cornflakes this morning when you flicked to page 14 in The West expecting to see an advertisement for Flight World and its magical $87 tickets to Bali but instead saw a stoic Daffy Duck endorsing the ‘YES’ vote.   check it out:

Brendan Grylls

Ok, ok, enough of that. you can stop emailing me Mukinbudin. Let’s be clear here. Brendan Grylls is NOT endorsing the YES ticket. Far from it. This sly little advertisement was placed there by his great mate and ex-country elected MP, Matt Birney. But you had to look for it by god. At the bottom left corner in size 2 font. Birney picked up on some loose Grylls comments back in 2005 just after he became Nationals leader.  “Country people were not as anti-daylight saving as they used to be…”  Anyone can misread which way the ball is turning, just ask Greg Blewett, but surely he knew that one was gonna come back to bite him. And this is probably one of the most effective ads i’ve seen during this campaign. Anyone not familiar with who is on who’s side, this ad could sway quite a few of those on the fence types. Though i haven’t come across many of those to be honest. Anyway, its dark, which means i’m now allowed to eat dinner. Get out tomorrow and save our daylight!

duck

Not content with stealing our royalties, Brendan now wants to steal daylight.

Written by Uncle Mac

May 15, 2009 at 7:12 pm