The Dullsvillain

Slinging mud at the media of Dullsville (aka Perth, Western Australia)

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Murder on the dance floor

with 6 comments

dance floor murder

It was about time this happened. I’m referring to PerthNow’s tenously linked pommy bashing headline that read:

‘Stabbings injure three at English-themed pubs’

I’m not endorsing that headline. I could have done without it, we all could have. But i’m not not-endorsing the neck-stabbing at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow. How could you when the whole dance floor looks like this:

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Pack'it o' crisps an' a pint of cock, govnor

Thats right. The Elephant & Wheelbarrow’s dance floor turns into a (English-themed) Greek bath house after 11p.m. The place is crawling with desperate middle aged men on too much viagra.

I know this because I frequent this shit-hole regularly. It cages the only women I seem to get these days.

The insinuation that those two pubs being English-themed had anything to do with the two stabbings is a load of crock. This is what Perthnow does best. Feeding off past prejudices that they’ve pumped up in their dirty loins. In this case it’s pub violence in England and rowdy English tourists, especially the barmy army. I know there’s no direct mention of it, so you’re more than welcome to disagree, but we all know whats going on here.

Putting two entirely seperate incidents together and making a shit-burger of a news story is what we’ve got on our hands here.

But hey, the Ashes is on and it’s pommy bashing season!

Who could resist that?

By the way, police are looking for a white male between the age 0f 30-65, balding & greying hair, portly build and he was wearing a beige sports jacket.

Congratulations, you’ve just described 90% of the clientele of the Elephant & Wheelbarrow.

stabbin' 2

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Written by Uncle Mac

August 10, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Dullsville’s Greenwich Street Press

with 2 comments

Not quite. Not even close. I literally tripped over these very niche publications when i was exiting a public building today. At my own discretion mind you. Has anyone else seen these before, let alone read one? I was amazed to find out they actually existed.

I scoff at you cynics who say Dullsville is a one and a half paper town. When you’ve got the hippie publication ‘Nova’, a fag paper called ‘OutInPerth’ (all one word as far as i can tell), two baby boomer rags and a mother’s monthly to keep the intellect buzzing, everything must be A-Ok in ye olde Perth town.

here’s some highlights of the ads i found in ’em.

oldies1

oldies2

I love the title of this baby boomer paper. ‘Have a Go’. Real condescending in a real chirpy sorta way. I get the feeling a lot of old codgers must nod off whilst they’re reading this for some reason. (condescending under 9’s football coach voice required here) “It’s not about getting through the whole paper, it’s about ‘having a go!'”

I guess it’s not only APIA that’s getting loose on its age requirements these days. 45?! Thats just insulting.

All women by law should have to wear this ‘hook at the front’ bra.

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Written by Uncle Mac

July 25, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Posted in Bad ads

Tagged with , , , ,

Movie Filth: Tango & Cash

with 9 comments

tango123

Like a bad case of the crabs that you just can’t shake, Tango & Cash has been lingering in my frontal cortex for the past squillion weeks. (Thanks channel 9). I’ve tried a lot of alternative sources of worst to wash away this visual skull fuck, but alas, none has worked. Master Chef, new episodes of The Simpsons and even A Current Affair have had a crack at one time or another. Well, it’s time to get out the tweezers and start getting surgical. I won’t lie, this is gonna hurt.

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Written by Uncle Mac

July 23, 2009 at 9:56 pm

Streak West Young Man, Streak West

with 5 comments

The hunt is on for a man with a yellow face and a raincoat in semi operational condition. I think you’re safe Zhu.

streaker

TASER!, TASER!, TASER!

We won’t even go into if this is appropriate use of police resources, ok?

Gone are the days when you could drunkenly ungarment down on the hill at the WACA ground and waltz through the centre square like you missed the opening festivities of mardi gras, whilst attending to some emerging cracks at the Prindiville end on the way. That is, for a reasonable nominal fee mind you. From last glance Lillee and co. were charging $10,000 for such an indiscretion. An outrageous amount for these times, and far exceeding inflation.

Judging by the sports that have been streaked at, (AFL, International Cricket, Rugby Union etc) this must mean that netball has finally arrived! YES!…Well, maybe. Judging by whatever this means: (article also in the WSW)

netball

Paradoxical

I’m not sure what Challenge Stadium are charging, but if my dear Denise has anything to say about it, they could find themselves de-membered and performing high octane renditions of Maria Callas:

denise

Denise S. (S? wtf?!) Cahill looks that girl in primary school (and who looks like she still might be there) who sat up the front, answered every question, and got them right, but who everyone avoided at recess. A sort of generic plain jane with a lot of book smarts but with very limited street smarts. Possibly the worst formula for a journalist to have.  I got an email last week from an American internet service claiming to be able to find my Highschool freinds, and i’m pretty damn sure Denises’ mug was staring blankly back at me. Though, i could be mistaken.

But is this the most appropriate subject for an editor of a weekly paper that reaches nealry 35,000 households to be making? Surely there’s more pressing matters to attend to.

Pandering to the easily disgruntled western suburbs pensioners you ask?

Nah, couldn’t be that.

Police Want To Fry You…With 50,000 Volts.

with 7 comments

robocop2

Hot on the heels of the latest taser death to hit Australia 2 weeks ago, W.A police have had one of the most brazen cases of insulting ill- timed arrogance i have seen in recent memory. The Police Union, in Thursday’s  West (below), now want to double the amount of tasers in operation! What else would you expect from a vile organisation like the Police Union? Not content with slowly cooking members of the public to death in the back of their paddy wagons, they now want to pump you full of 50,000 volts of electricity whenever their judgement befits it.  But this is the real kicker: they want a pay increase to do it! That is, they want your money so they can kill you. Not even Ivan Milat had the gaul to ask for a transaction before he slugged his victims. And that’s not as far away from the truth as you might think. In North America, there has been 414 deaths directly related to tasering from 1999 to January of this year.

plicepay

Police union president-elect Russell Armstrong had this to say: “frontline officers who are routinely putting their safety at risk should be compensated for that”. You’ve got to be joking. This is what police officers are supposed to be doing. Not sitting in cubicles checking if all the boxes have been ticked on a moving-on notice. doesn’t this supposed increase in crime also suggest that police aren’t doing their jobs properly? Pretty damn audacious asking for a pay increase when you can’t do your job. I can’t see the bartender getting a rise in his miserly hourly rate if he says his punters are too drunk and are making too much noise. By the way Armstrong was talking you’d think these cops were in Mexico. Now that’s a fair claim for danger money. Not in Perth, a glorified 19th century hick town where officers are NEVER shot at. I wonder how many police officers have actually died as a result of actions by the public? If i wasn’t so lazy  i would get you the figures, but i reckon it would be pretty close to zilch anyway.

Tasercop1

But wait, there’s more! 

Just when you thought this pandering to Perth’s conservative prejudices couldn’t possibly be stretched any further, out pop more disgruntled government departments from the woodwork. This was in Friday’s west:

taserz

Is it just me or does this stink of irony from the Australian Nursing Federation? How often do we hear from nurses that they’re over worked and under paid, yet they want to introduce a weapon that causes injury and death into their own house. Unbelievable.

 The outrageous idea of giving rent-a-cops on trains tasers is even stupider then giving it to police…just. These people are less educated then the police  (training wise) and are less accountable, especially in the public’s eyes, than the police.

The results have spoken for themselves over in America. When you give low intelligent police officers who hate most of the people they deal with a deadly weapon, it’s more than likely going to be abused and people will be murdered. Vulnerable people, such as the mentally ill, are the most susceptible and we’ve just seen that play out tragically in Queensland.

To put it simply, it’s just plain wrong.

 check out this tasering from the U.S and tell me the police wouldn’t hesitate for a second to electrocute your arse for having one too many pints and acting like a bloody fool: (note the comical screaming of ‘TASER, TASER, TASER’ from the robocops.)

Sleep well!

Written by Uncle Mac

June 27, 2009 at 2:09 am

Western Suburbs Hero

with 2 comments

You might remember me calling for some Peppermint Grove Shire blood a couple of weeks ago. Well, my wish has come true.  In a big, big way. This guy is wanted for a $500 000 theft (repossession) of jewellery from a Peppermint Grove mansion. He is my new hero.

WANTED: For having extremely large balls

WANTED: For having extremely large balls

 Here’s what Perthnow had to say about it: 

“POLICE have identified a man they want to speak to over a $500,000 jewllery heist in Peppermint Grove last week.

They are appealing for Andre Kerhart, 29, to contact western suburbs detectives.

Police say Mr Kerhart, who is driving a black Mitsubishi 380, may be able to help with their investigation.

A large amount of jewellery was taken from a View St property at about noon on June 11.

A 69-year-old woman returned to her house to discover a man dressed like a tradesman leaving the property.

repoman460

Was he dressed like this? That ain't no tradesman lady, that's called a repo man.

She chased the man to his car, believed to be a Toyota Aurion sedan, across the street and, with help from two other residents, tried to stop him starting his vehicle.

Det Snr Constable Ryan Goard said the offender was able to fend off the three people and accelerated away, nudging a parked car along the way.

The man is understood to have headed in the direction of Mosman Park after fleeing the scene.

The rear number plate had been removed during the incident and the front plate was taped over.

This was just laying around in the top draw? Goodbye family jewels. hahahaha!

This was just laying around in the top draw? Goodbye family jewels! hahahaha!

Det Snr Constable Goard said the offender has stolen about $500,000 worth of jewellery from the upstairs bedroom of the woman’s home”.
Robbery in the Shire: "Gimmee that ring, bitch"

Robbery in the Shire: "Gimmee that ring, bitch"

It might be pissing down outside, but my heart is full of sunshine.

Like the ol’ saying goes; when it rains, it pours.

Written by Uncle Mac

June 20, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Phoney Phil- From the ‘Burbs (remember?)

with 2 comments

If you have a functioning stomach and enjoy keeping your Dukkahs in it then you don’t want to read Phil Haberland in the Western Suburbs Weekly. Like a bulimic swallowing an emetic, Phil’s tripe was never gonna stay down long.

phil

THE WORST

To make my day even worse I found out that the WSW can be accessed online. And to further rub salt into my gaping and slightly embarrassed wound I found out that Phil Haberland writes a by-monthly column in the WSW.

Period pain just got a wer name.

This week in ‘what’s on Phil’s mind at one minute to deadline’ is 300 unconnected words strung together by a vague argument that old fogies should be spending more time on the internet. I presume away from Coles so they can’t steal his beloved Dukkah’s. Which he manages to somehow mention in his article yet again. Even though the article had nothing-I mean nothing- to do with food.

Dukkah

Phil loves eating over-priced Egyption mad cow muesli. mmmmmm.

Phil finds it ‘disturbing’ that only “48% of people over the age of 65 have the internet at home” and that “44% have never used the internet”. Like this is a bad thing. In fact it’s a great thing. I blame this computer for destroying my life over the last 12 months. And don’t you love the use of ‘disturbing’. In this case it’s pretty much code for ‘I don’t understand what I’m reading but I disagree with it because the figures are low’. Good ol’ conservative ignorance.

heavy!

Phil's grand vision. Thrashed young sluts teaching retired hopeless sluts. Bravo.

It goes on; “Our oldies are literally shunning the digital economy in busloads and it’s important that we get our beloved geriatrics on to the I.T superhighway!” I’m not sure which is more frightening, using ‘superhighway’ in a serious, unironic way or the imagery of ‘oldies’ in ‘busloads’ on a ‘superhighway’. Both are bone marrow-ingly chilling.

oldbus

"To the superhighway please driver"

Phil troops on with: “from just staying in touch with the family through email, to online shopping at the new “home of Dukkah” Coles at Claremont, or paying all those fiddly bills online; to looking up important medical information, the lifestyle values of grandma and grandpa being hooked up to the world wide web are immense”.

Hmm, Retort? Normal people like to stay in touch with family through face to face contact Phil, your attempted use of ironic humour is not funny, cynical folk like paying their bills the ol’ fashion way, doctors are usually more reliable than the world wide web Phil and what the fuck is lifestyle values? (kudos Dick) That statement makes no sense mate.

worldwideweb

wicked shit

Can this guy get any more irrelevant?

The article tapers off like a hanging turd by saying St. Hilda’s girls are teaching our old people to use computers. In between making underage porno movies. Or was that PLC? Either or, they’re all whores.

Written by Uncle Mac

June 6, 2009 at 2:08 am