Nigel Satterley: Now we on teh internets, we needs a ad.
Satterley executive: But we gots no money.
Nigel Satterley: Me know.
Satterley executive: Internets scare me.
Nigel Satterley: Me too.
Those happenin’ cats at PerthNow have assembled all of the evidence that Perth isn’t a boring, atavistic hellhole:
FOR all those that call Perth ‘Dullsville’, maybe you’re just not aware of all the events happening around the city.
Maybe you’re just not aware of all of the events, but PerthNow is aware of all the events! What follows is an extensive list of all them. There’s so much happening, folks! I couldn’t assemble the whole list here, because it goes on 4 EVA, but here’s a taste:
Tuesday, In One Act
Until Sat 5 Sep, The Blue Room Studio, 8.30pm
This intimate, absurdist play takes you to a world where astronauts carry briefcases and cowboys feed pigeons. A delicate flux between poetry, satire and unpretentious honesty.
A world where cowboys feed pigeons? Get right outta town!
Spring Friday Night Shopping at Harbour Town
Fri 4, 11, 18 & 25 Sep, Harbour Town, 6pm to 9pm
Shop for your spring essentials at over 100 brand direct outlets while soaking up the sounds of jazz trios, contemporary crooners and the cool sounds of the calypso cats.
Factory direct Elwood t-shirts and jazz. A match made in Huhvean.
Catholic Arts Carnevale
Wed 9 Sep, Forrest Place, 9am
See a showcase of talent from Catholic primary and secondary schools. Activities include interactive displays, music and dance performances.
When I Grow Up
Sun 6 Sep, Fashion Central, Forrest Place, 10am
Celebrate Father’s Day with your dad at Perth Fashion Central as gorgeous kids and their fashionable dads model the latest collections from Forrest Chase retailers.
Replace the word “gorgeous” with “spoilt” and the word “fashionable” with “emasculated”. Oh, and the word “model” with “whore”.
After this “event”, shit somehow gets even duller: Read the rest of this entry »
Found myself lost in Perth’s infamous Chamber of Beasts a few weeks back looking for the Nick Cave exhibit. Frozen in time is right – about 1982, by my estimation.
Perth’s tabloids are your grandmother. That’s why instead of page 3 girls, we get page 3 overachievers:
What do people think when they hear child prodigy doctor? Author Bethany Hiatt and her editors hit you over the head with it in the very first paragraph:
Teenage medical student Welwyn Aw-Yong is WA’s own Doogie Howser MD.
Except without the resurgence as a creepily believable pussy-hound in How I Met Your Mother.
Is it ok to make fun of this child? I dunno. Good on him for following his “dream”, I guess?
I’d like to be a rural GP or something like that – maybe
But he’s on page 3 of the newspaper. Why on Earth would you subject yourself to that embarrassing shit! Did The West hold a gun to his head and force him to make that awkward pose? Did his pushy parents demand that he put his smarts on the public record?
Actually, both of those seem like possibilities. The kid is 15, you can’t blame him. I’m not even sure how consent works when it comes to minors and publicity-whoring.
But sorry, Welwyn, this I can’t abide:
Asked why he thought he was so advanced for his age, Welwyn attributed it to “God’s grace” and his ability to set aside other distractions.
Riiiight. Remind me not to see this guy when he’s a doctor at age 20. Wouldn’t want my health complaints attributed to “Demons”.
The West Coast Eagles’ mascot, a live fucking animal, flew away from Subiaco Oval today. Before being captured, it took a stop at the City West dome (BTW, why isn’t that a Worst yet?) and was later attacked by crows. Coincidentally, the Adelaide Crows “murdered” the Eagles in the footy last weekend.
In other news, DAD PUNS ARE OFF THE CHART TODAY, MAKE IT STOP, GOD WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP:
Nine news went pretty hard (you’ll have to watch the vid at PerthNow, soz):
The wedgetail took off – LITERALLY…
Problem was, Auzzie had flown the coop…
Attracting a crowd of angry crows and magpies…
This eagle finally landed…
Despite an injury scare Auzzie will line up for the eagles tomorrow night…
AdelaideNow got a gloat in:
A MURDER of crows cornered fugitive West Coast mascot Auzzie the eagle when she winged it from a club training session in Perth yesterday.
But WA Today soared above the rest:
Eagle Mascot Back After Flight of fancy
Auzzie the Eagle… Flying high around the streets of Perth today.
…flying the coop…
Perhaps he was getting tips from the bigger birds about what it takes to play finals footy after a few years in the AFL wilderness?
Maybe there was some crowing going on about West Coast’s loss last week to Adelaide?
Whatever the conversation, it was creating much crowing among the Perth media, who dropped everything to race to City West to witness the ‘event’…
“Crowing” in this context is a standard Dad pun. But “the conversation was creating crowing” throws Dad alliteration into the mix. Dadtastic.
Later in the piece, WA Today devolves into stream of consciousness verse poetry from a coked-up Monika Kos mode:
The idea to bring Auzzie’s familiar gameday perch – and oversized red Sherrin – bore fruit, and woman and bird were reunited on Zempilas Street – perhaps a good omen for namesake and Perth sports guru Basil, who takes a flight of his own on Saturday for his wedding in Greece.
Anyone who can decipher the opening paragraph of this story on WA Today in less than 3 reads gets a gold star:
Three warnings in five minutes see boner sacked
August 26, 2009 – 6:39AM
A gun Lenard’s Chicken boner fired after receiving three warnings in five minutes has been awarded more than $11,000 in unfair dismissal compensation.
From The West Australian last week:
First Patti Chong quits her blog at WA Today, and now her favourite furniture store and questionable source of F-grade publicity, Merrys Furniture, are packing up shop for a new location! This sequence of heartbreaking news has shocked the psyche of right-thinking people.
Patti’s paid endorsement of Merrys is so funny. Strange funny, not ha-ha funny. I mean, why her? Unlike John Hughes, she doesn’t own the store. Unlike Luigi Savadamoni, she isn’t an actual celebrity. I presume she doesn’t have any special knowledge about the benefits of couches made from real dead cows. But that ain’t stopping her!
Yet… something about this ad is so =(.
This, from Nova’s breakfast segment fuckstains “Nathan and Nat”, doesn’t help:
They are cackling at her accent, right? When Nat pronounces “Patti Chong” like a sneering teenager, it’s hard to escape the conclusion that these are a couple of schoolyard bullies with their sights on the Malay kid:
It’s scary to think about the number of Dullsvillains who straightline this sewage on the way to work every morning.
After all of that, maybe it’s time to lay off Patti for a while. Right after I get this out of the way: