The Bolivillain: Dirty socks, filthy travel writing
The Bolivillain is a Dullsville escapee hiding in South America, Trotsky-style. He’s currently holed up in the mountains of Bolivia. These are his dispatches.
I have an obsession with travel, so when I was trawling through thewest.com.au for biased coverage of the Eagles, my eye was drawn to this condescendingly-titled piece:
Associated Press are really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this piece, which consists of ridiculous “travel advice” from a lazy copy writer that has spent a couple of days out in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and is therefore an “expert” in travel. He’s such an expert he sets out a series of numbered travel tips. They are so terrible, they make my mullet stand on edge in rage. I’ll address them one by one:
1. Start with a virtual vacation. Anticipation is half the pleasure, so bookmark your destination on your computer and check in often before you go. … I started my holiday two months early by bookmarking “cabin 15” on my laptop and glancing at the rustic charms of that brown-and-yellow hut several times a day.
Here, in the course of one tip, the author idealises the tired idea of a holiday away from technology, and yet blatantly takes a huge steaming dump on the only meritorious concept it holds. Other than the fact that it is insanely dumb to bookmark the home page of a CABIN (the cabin-page?), who the hell wants to potentially spoil their own experience before it actually happens? It’s the equivalent of reading the last page of a book before the start, or more likely for this author, finding out who won WWE Smashdown before watching it.
2. Wash the dishes before you leave. Make the bed. Close the drawers and cupboard. Nothing pricks a holiday bubble faster than coming home to mouldy coffee cups, tangled sheets and underwear sprawling from the chest of drawers.
Anon. Seems to have an unhealthy obsession with dirty clothing, mentioning dirty clothes no less than three separate times in this short article, even in the intro (“One minute you’re planning and packing, the next you’re back home with a suitcase full of filthy clothes.”)
Possibly it didn’t occur to the tard that you can, actually, wash clothes without your washing machine and electric drier. If you’re paying some obscene amount to rent a cabin in buttfuck nowhere, maybe, just maybe, the enjoyment you gain is from doing things you normally wouldn’t, or doing things in a way that goes back to pre-technological methods – not just in some bullshit isolation from Facebook to make you feel like you’re “roughing it”!
[Ed: After the jump, the Bolivillain maintains the mullet-rage against this garbage non-story…]
3. Leave your bad habits behind. On an ordinary day, do you greet the dawn by firing up the computer, flicking on the radio or gulping a Red Bull? Do something more healthy on vacation. Taking your bad habits on holiday is like packing dirty socks.
Yet another mention of the dirty clothing – I’m starting to think the author has a fetish. And about habits? It’s your holiday, do what makes you happy. Don’t listen to some preachy bastard try to assert a false philosophy of happiness onto you.
4. Leave your bad habits behind (part two). If breaking your habits seems impossible, go somewhere that puts them out of reach.
(Part two)?? This guy is an enema addict, I swear to God.
5. Try something new on vacation … or something old that feels new. In cabin 15, I wrote a letter by hand for the first time in about that many years. It felt weirdly good. I bought some coloured pencils and I drew.
Picture a washed up, hack of a journalist hiding in a dark, cold cabin and drawing some doodles a 4 year old wouldn’t admit to, analysing the shaky lines and crude faces as an insight into their inner self. Wanker.
6. Sleep! If you come home from a vacation more sleep-deprived than when you left, you may as well not have gone away. Sleep during vacation is one of the best ways to ensure a vacation afterglow.
Despite what this knob-jockey has to say, sleep can wait. Anon. might not realise it, but sometimes a holiday is actually about the new experiences outside of your normal realm – you can catch up on sleep on the weekend.
7. When you and your dirty clothes get home, hang on to your best vacation habits for at least a day or two.
FUCK OFF WITH YOUR DIRTY CLOTHES.
8. Be wary of souvenirs. You bring them back imagining they’ll extend your vacation. But that goofy, overpriced hat you just had to buy on vacation is likely to turn into nothing but clutter once you’re home.
Anon. actually considers a goofy overpriced hat to be a souvenir? Everyone knows the only people that buy those gimmicky pieces of shit are absolute dumbarses, and the fact that the writer admits they actually considered it is damning indeed. But what’s wrong with a real souvenir, like a photo, a pinecone from outside the cabin, a gift from a new person you met that trip, etc?
9. Don’t forget that the place you live is also a vacation destination. What summer fun can you have here that will help you avoid your daily traps and habits?
This is actually a reasonable piece of advice, however spastically worded it is put. “Summer fun”?! Probably stolen from “The Seven Habits of Highly Happy People”.
10. Resume your virtual vacation. I still have “cabin 15″ bookmarked and check it every now and then. I can almost hear the creek.
What a DIRTY HYPOCRIT. Bit of a clash between this, and the author’s very own pieces of advice numbers 7 and 8. Because what does a bookmark of cabin 15 equal but a dirty internet addiction “habit”, and a cheesy piece of “e-clutter”? For that matter, it also represents lost sleeping time and breaks the only reasonable advice here, going out and finding something new to do in your own town.
This article was clearly intended as filler by thewest.com.au, to bulk up their “published articles” numbers, and make it look like they weren’t about 4 years behind the internet journalism trend. The bullshit spouted in this monstrosity actually makes me angry. I can almost hear the creek I want to drown the author in.