Introducing: Rudd Roasts…
If you hit play below you’ll hear Kevin Rudd (statesman, prime minister of Australia), responding to Muslim cleric Samir Abu Hamza’s exhortation to his male followers that it’s a-ok to beat and rape your wife:
Whoops, I got confused there. When he says these remarks reflect “a new form of low life” he’s actually talking about the remarks of Gordon Ramsey. The celebrity chef. Which I thought was already a well documented form of low life. But thanks, Kevin, for contributing to the national debate on whether Gordon Ramsey or Tracey Grimshaw is the bigger publicity-seeking whore. You publicity-seeking whore.
Here’s what Kevin actually had to say about Samir Abu Hamza:
Australia will not tolerate these sort of remarks. They don’t belong in modern Australia, and he should stand up, repudiate them, and apologize.
That actually seems like a measured and responsible thing to say in the face of the horrifying teachings of an influential religious nut. GOODONYA KEV. Thing is though, Rudd’s not always known for being measured and responsible in his condemnations.
Take his recent condemnation of the Chasers:
YOUS GOT CONDEMNED.
At least, until you see what he was doing when he said it:
Kevin Rudd loves a pious condemnation, especially (only?) when it’s likely to reverberate with working families and the “won’t somebody please think of the children” crowd. There’s a dichotomy here: his condemnations of the soft targets are vicious, puerile and unnecessary. His condemnations of harder, more deserving targets – say, backwards Muslim clerics, or racist Aussies who bash Indian students – are soft, the stuff of UN-resolutions.
A demonstration: If he’d said to that fuckwit of a cleric “Your remarks reflect the rotting carcass of a dead culture”, that would have been totes awesome. At the other end of the scale, he almost would have been justified in responding to reporters’ questions about Ramsay and the Chasers with his latest focus-group tested fave, “fair shake of the sauce bottle, mate”. If there’s a time and place for contrived, hokey Australianisms (and the jury’s out on that), it’s when people are taking things too seriously. It’s not when you’re being asked important questions about important decisions of government (for those who missed it, he dropped, “fair shake of the sauce bottle, mate” THREE TIMES during an interview about his cabinet reshuffle).
Or, how’s this for a WACKY alternative: he could have shut the hell up about Gordon Ramsey and the Chasers because it’s not his issue and nobody cares what he thinks. And also, running the country!
After the jump, I’ll run through some classic condemnations in honour of our new category, Rudd Roasts…
Even before his heady ascension to power, Rudd was just OUTRAGED and DISGUSTED all the bloody time. Remember the hilarious cartoon battle between Indonesian newspaper Rakyat Merdeka and The Australian’s Bill Leak?:
It was all too much for Kev:
This is a disgusting and disgraceful depiction of the prime minister and the foreign minister, I don’t think it passes any standard of taste anywhere in the world
(Contrast Howard’s response: “I’ve been in this game a long time, if I got offended about cartoons golly, heavens above, give us a break”).
Then, back in May 2008, critically acclaimed Australian artist Bill Henson copped the PM’s wrath for daring to depict nudity in art:
I find [the art] absolutely revolting…
Kids deserve to have the innocence of their childhood protected [from art]. I have a very deep view of this. For God’s sake, let’s just allow kids to be kids.
Whatever the artistic view of the merits of that sort of stuff – frankly I don’t think there are any – just allow kids to be kids.
Kevin Rudd: art critic, protector of innocence, very deep lover of children.
Rudd seems to be something of a queasy bastard, regularly alluding to his revulsion and sickness at the latest SHOCKING news story that NO PARENT CAN AFFORD TO MISS:
It made me sick in the stomach, just really sick in the stomach … as a parent of kids
I hear Metamucil helps, mate.
Alternatively, it might pay to stop eating your ear wax:
But it’s hard to go past this April 2009 rant against people smugglers:
People smugglers are engaged in the world’s most evil trade and they should all rot in jail, because they represent the absolute scum of the earth.
We see this lowest form of human life at work in what we saw on the high seas yesterday…
People smugglers are the vilest form of human life. They trade on the tragedy of others. And that’s why they should rot in jail and in my own view rot in hell.
There it is folks, the champion Rudd Roast of All Time. Can’t you just taste the bile, the witch-hunting religious imagery, the hyperbole? It’s just as delicious coming up as it is going down.
Most of all though, it’s just lame, insecure and kind of sad. Would Barack Obama spout this rubbish?
If Rudd hasn’t been put off by the recent media backlash, then there’s more of this to come. And The Dullsvillain will be keeping track in a new category, Rudd Roasts…
Disgusting lowlifes, watch out.