Phoney Phil- From the ‘Burbs (remember?)
If you have a functioning stomach and enjoy keeping your Dukkahs in it then you don’t want to read Phil Haberland in the Western Suburbs Weekly. Like a bulimic swallowing an emetic, Phil’s tripe was never gonna stay down long.
To make my day even worse I found out that the WSW can be accessed online. And to further rub salt into my gaping and slightly embarrassed wound I found out that Phil Haberland writes a by-monthly column in the WSW.
Period pain just got a wer name.
This week in ‘what’s on Phil’s mind at one minute to deadline’ is 300 unconnected words strung together by a vague argument that old fogies should be spending more time on the internet. I presume away from Coles so they can’t steal his beloved Dukkah’s. Which he manages to somehow mention in his article yet again. Even though the article had nothing-I mean nothing- to do with food.
Phil finds it ‘disturbing’ that only “48% of people over the age of 65 have the internet at home” and that “44% have never used the internet”. Like this is a bad thing. In fact it’s a great thing. I blame this computer for destroying my life over the last 12 months. And don’t you love the use of ‘disturbing’. In this case it’s pretty much code for ‘I don’t understand what I’m reading but I disagree with it because the figures are low’. Good ol’ conservative ignorance.
It goes on; “Our oldies are literally shunning the digital economy in busloads and it’s important that we get our beloved geriatrics on to the I.T superhighway!” I’m not sure which is more frightening, using ‘superhighway’ in a serious, unironic way or the imagery of ‘oldies’ in ‘busloads’ on a ‘superhighway’. Both are bone marrow-ingly chilling.
Phil troops on with: “from just staying in touch with the family through email, to online shopping at the new “home of Dukkah” Coles at Claremont, or paying all those fiddly bills online; to looking up important medical information, the lifestyle values of grandma and grandpa being hooked up to the world wide web are immense”.
Hmm, Retort? Normal people like to stay in touch with family through face to face contact Phil, your attempted use of ironic humour is not funny, cynical folk like paying their bills the ol’ fashion way, doctors are usually more reliable than the world wide web Phil and what the fuck is lifestyle values? (kudos Dick) That statement makes no sense mate.
Can this guy get any more irrelevant?
The article tapers off like a hanging turd by saying St. Hilda’s girls are teaching our old people to use computers. In between making underage porno movies. Or was that PLC? Either or, they’re all whores.