Tampons were not in the kit bag
In between the hilarious ‘Western suburbs (house) prices plunge’ piece and the neither here nor there article ‘5c piece may go in coin overhaul’ on page 3 in today’s West Australian, there was a huge picture of five females standing around wearing roller-skates. It sure doesn’t take much to get on page 3 anymore does it? The Cottesloe pylon would be gutted that it was snubbed. It’s a bit ironic that page 3 is usually associated with centrefold girls, but you can see for yourself what I mean.
Let’s get back to the picture because there lays the humour. The blonde in the middle who looks like she just ate groundskeeper Willy, shortened his kilt and is now wearing his skin like a cheap suit is the alpha ‘doll’ (as they like to call themselves) of the pack. She’s a state ice and inline hockey player, martial artist and body builder! Wow! As reporter Flip Prior (that’s a fucked name) states, “This is one bunch of women you wouldn’t want to mess with”. No I wouldn’t Flip. But if I did foolishly hit on alpha doll at the Elephant & Wheelbarrow one drunken Saturday night, my penis would be gnarled off quicker than I could say “St John ambulance”. Let’s be real here people. These ladies aren’t, as Ugly George would say, “the most feminie ladies I’ve come across”. The sport is notorious for having the highest ratio of pissed off disgruntled lezbos per sport that has a 99% lezbo participation rate. That other 1% if you’re wondering, is first year gender studies students. ‘But how do you know their lesbians you ask’? ‘That’s sexist you say’. ‘Stop discriminating against women who play sport you say’. I say this: when something is true and correct it no longer should be considered sexist. Why? Because it’s TRUE. When I say there’s a high correlation between dykes and Roller Derby, you bleeding heart whingers should just nod your head and say “yes uncle, that’s is a correct statement. You are right.” It’s not right because I said it it’s right, it’s right because there is a lot of fucking Sapphic activity going on in those change rooms once those skates are taken off. They might stay on. I’m not sure how these things work.
Just look at those faces, I’m no singing detective, but no make-up, an aggressive sport plus downward scowls equals pissed off lesbians. But you might say ‘their sexual preference has got nothing to do with it’
. Well, it’s bloody funny, because there’s five presumably homosexual women on page three of the family friendly West Australian and the West editors haven’t got a clue. If they did know, they might still have gone with the story. But if they knew that we knew there’s no way in hell that they would’ve published it. Can you imagine Sebastian and Tobias pouting for the camera whilst the story under their pretty little heads is about the new revamped sport of leap-frog? No. It would never happen. There’s nothing more absurd in the fact that leap-frog could become a popular male queer sport anymore than Roller Derby has for women. Do you know the rules
of Roller Derby? It’s as aimless and repetitive as leap-frog. With a little bit of harmless contact thrown in. The sport is dominated by terrible tattoo flouting S&M loving weirdos that want nothing more than to skate around a rink continuously pushing a few people over. Somehow this sport along the way has been fused with elements of the punk/goth music scene. I’m not sure how this has happened, but it has. Just look at their promotional posters. It’s quite striking. I’ve been reading some of their material, and they really do try to pump the sport up as like it’s the meanest and deadliest thing going ‘round. Like some sort of femme fatale bullshit. But it’s not. The fights are as rare as AFL football. Blood is rarely spilt, and if it is, it’s usually the monthly fixture. They actually call each game they play ‘bouts’. Can you believe this? Like it’s Tyson V Holyfield. The only thing that is comparable is the faces of the participants.
This is the worst
They also love giving themselves these ignoramus pseudonyms that only lice would find funny. Bo Skiddley? Trans Em? Come on. We’re dealing here with some creatures all in need of a good lobotomy and a decent flogging. You are not allowed to call yourself that. Even if you’re chained up in a dungeon with a gimp ball gripping your mouth. These cutesy little names have no place in battle. If you’re reading this ‘Rollergirls’ how about something like Cleet Rubber, Wet Scissors or maybe even Germaine Greer? That last one would strike fear into the ovaries of your opponents. But I did get a little giggle outta Maggie Snatcher and Minnie Screwdriver. Not for the cutesyness. Just for the filthyness.
'Fuck we're tough'
I haven’t even touched on the fact that these people are wearing roller-skates. They don’t even wear the mid nineties uber cool roller-blades. Come on you gliding girls, you gotta keep up with the times with the equipment. I bet you don’t use wooden dildos in the bedroom. Why use back dated skates? Look at Aplha Doll’s skates in the photo. They’re doc martin’s with a piece of metal attached and four wheels! That’s like Buddy Franklin attaching spikes to his penny loafers. That’s ‘cause these girls find it hard to keep the business separate from the pleasure. Because lets face it, it’s as intertwined as scissoring.
Alpha Doll turned down these...
Let’s get to the real question for a few seconds. What the fuck is this doing on page 3? Flip Prior must have licked some serious clit because every journalist worth their salt knows this is a ‘nuffing’ piece. It should have been on page 169. If at all. It’s something the Western Suburbs Weekly would print after 88 pages of rehashed Claremont serial killer drivel. It has no community relevance whatsoever except to confirm that aggressive sports that women play will always attract dykes and reinforce social prejudices. You said it sista’! You sexists disgust me!
P.s. no one watches this ‘sport’.
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