Movie Filth: The Human Stain
If you’re a normal human being who is gainfully employed then you would have missed it. The late late movie on channel 7 on Sunday night. Unluckily for you, I’m gainfully un-employed, so I can tell you all about this heinous trainwreck that was The Human Stain.
Have you ever been born black and been mistaken for a white Jewish man your whole life? Yeah i know, happens all the time. Well, no, it dosen’t. Except if your old man Anthony Hopkins or that guy from Prison Break (worst idea for a t.v series i have ever heard). From the moment your eyes get stained by that atrocious title you just know this is going to be a conceited little stab at being racially relevant and attempting to stir up all the consciences of these part-time libertarians and their disgusting pseudo attitudes that they actually give a fuck. And it is.
Ok. (deep breath). It’s about this old pompous professor (Hopkins) who gets fired for making racially prejudiced comments against a couple of black guys. But here’s the twist. The professor is actually black!!!? But he’s not. If you know what I mean. He’s Anthony Hopkins and that guy from Prison Break. Who are white. Can ya see the irony, well can ya? We know Anthony Hopkins is black because the director lazily informs us of this blatant fact that we’ve somehow managed to overlook by a series of flashbacks into the life of young Anthony Hopkins, played by that guy from Prison Break, who also happens to be white. But the thing is, he never intentionally maligned these black guys. Without knowing who they are or what colour they are he calls them ‘spooks’, because they never show up to his class. Get it? Like their ghosts. Or somethin’ scarier, like black people. So you’re automatically supposed to feel sorry for old man Anthony Hopkins.
There’s a few other little side plots going on but you basically just need to wrap your head around the fact that this is a movie that Anthony Hopkins plays a black guy. The first question any logical non-stained human being would ask themselves is ‘why?’ Why would this ever need to occur. It had to occur because it’s one of these roles that fat stupid Hollywood lefty elitist types thinks is ‘challenging’ or ‘daring’. This is how the conversation went: Lefty elitist to Anthony Hopkins: “Hey Anthony Hopkins, wanna play a black guy?” Anthony Hopkins: “can’t see why not, I’m clearly black enough to play a black guy”. You are not black enough to play a black guy Anthony Hopkins. You are not brown enough to play a brown guy. You are not white enough to play a white guy. You have not got enough pigmentation of any description to be playing anyone with any level of colouring in their skin whatsoever. But I’ll give you this, you are translucent enough to play a translucent guy. Maybe you should have played Kevin Bacon’s dad in Hollowman? Sneaking around Elizabeth Shue’s apartment trying to squeeze one off when she’s in the shower. Much more plausible and I probably would have watched at least 60% of that movie.
The guy from Prison Break is also in this movie. Why? I don’t know. It troubled me too.
Then comes along Nicole Kidman. That’s right. Nicole fucking Kidman. Did the director sit around with his esteemed inner circle and ask ‘how can I make this movie even worse? I know, i’ll get Nicole fucking Kidman to play the most unconvincing janitor the big screen has ever seen. It’ll be magic on toast!’ To further spit in your face and call you a dim-witted twit, she ends up fucking him. They actually expect you to believe a pompous, self-righteous, narcissistic professor of classics (no less) would actually stoop to the level of a common peasant. Have you ever met a professor? They only have coitus with students or other creatures that have a Dr. or Prof. preceding their names. But a janitor in her forties? With four kids? Who washes shitters for a living. You really believe that this professor would let her within a hundred meters of his copies of ‘Ulysses’ and ‘War & Peace?’ It would never, ever, ever, ever happen. You know what, Anthony Hopkins playing a black guy is more believable than this plot line. And why does everyone think Nicole fucking Kidman is so bloody shit-hot? She’s a plain Jane. The beige paint on my bathroom ceiling has more personality then she does. My ceiling also has bigger tits than she has. She’s nearly as translucent as Anthony Hopkins. If those two bred and multiplied the end result would be a bed sheet. A white fucking bed sheet.
At this point I switched over to ABC and watched question time from the house and caught the opposition loudly drawling “SHAMMEEEE”.
I had to agree. “HEAR,HEAR”!